jeal·ous
adjective
1.
feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of ).
Yikes! when it's put like that then I'm not sure that describes what I feel. I have a jealousy, however I definitely do not see it as resentment. Maybe it's envy that's more of what I feel.
en·vy
noun
1.
a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.
Actually that sounds about right. Let me be transparent (an vulnerable for a moment here.) There are a few things I envy, but I will write about only one. That is my envy of stay at home moms(SAHMs). We are all given time, time to do what God has called us to do. I stole this photo from a friend over at http://called2beamom.blogspot.com/
God gave us all time. I am envious of the way that SAHMs get to spend their time. They have the day to make sure the home is kept up, meals are made, bills are paid, and of course and probably most important of all they get to spend their time with their kids. Loving on them throughout the day, exploring new things throughout the day, just being able to BE with them. I hate that 40 hours of my week is spent away from my child, that's nearly 2 entire days. 2 days of things I miss out on, laughter, giggles, games, adventures.. I don't negate the work that SAHMs do, I know they face challenges as well, and I have the utmost respect for them, as a matter of fact, most of my friends are SAHMs and they do a wonderful job.
I struggle with this envy because I am learning right in this moment about how to now prioritize the limited time I have so that I am able to keep our home going and be able to spend time with my boy(s). I normally am an overcommitter, I usually say yes to everything, I love to be involved. This fall I had to say no to something I really wanted to do, something I have a passion for, because I just didn't have the time. A twinge of sadness overcame me that I had to make that choice. Envy starts to creep in, thoughts of "If I could just be at home then I would have the time I need and still be able to pursue my passions" - I have to squash those thoughts, because if I don't I'll wind up just feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I've relished in the extra time that I've had to spend with my baby boy. The hours I've gotten with him because I said no to this opportunity. I still hate that I had to say no though. Envy is a hard thing to squash. The Enemy can use it to drive wedges between friends, and I've tried my absolute hardest to not let that happen with mine.
Do you deal with envy? What's your strategy for squashing it?
I know that God has a plan, I know he sees me now in this moment and he has equipped me to be a mother, knowing I would have to be working right now. My prayer is for the day when my time is filled with the laughter and love of my children and running our household.
I know God watches me, I know he sees my struggle, I trust Him.....I will not be discouraged.
"When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He, His eye is on the sparrow, and I KNOW He watches over me.."
Hi, Jamie! Thanks for being vulnerable. I felt the same way when I had to work & my babies were young. I finally gave up working outside the home, but was still teaching voice lessons at home--still very stressful- hearing my baby girl (#3) cry to be nursed, while I finished up a lesson just tore my heart out. Hubby took a 2nd job throwing newspapers at 4am every morning--yep: 7 days a week--even during the SCT. And I went on WIC. So humiliating, after getting almost a 4.0 in college. Finally, we were able to relocate where hubby got a 26% increase in salary, and I could be home fulltime--just in time to begin homeschooling. God knows your heart, and He truly works everything out together for your good & your baby's good. He has surrounded you with family, and He is your Jehovah Jireh. Keep believing, and your time will come. I pray with you it comes quickly. You are a fabulous Mom!
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