How are you? - probably the most used question in each of our lives. Its a question that can either be a superficial gesture of greeting or it can be a genuine deeper question of someone deeply wanting know how you are doing. The answers can range the same from superficial to completely loaded.
When you are going through a trial this question ALWAYS feels loaded. You wonder how to answer, you wonder if you need to censor yourself, you wonder if someone is being genuine or being nosy.
Nowadays I answer this mostly with "I'm ok", it's a rare day I answer with an "I'm good". Things are always day to day....
Today, I am sad. Today is June 1st, today marks the beginning of the month Malachi was expected to arrive. Today marks 2 weeks until his due date [June 15]. This past weekend has been full of events, though joyous, that have reminded me that I was supposed to be enormously pregnant right now. I am really feeling the mourning of the loss of the latter half of my pregnancy with Malachi. I am feeling the weight and enormity of our situation. I am feeling heartbreak. So if I were to be completely honest when someone asked how I was, my answer today would be "I am heartbroken."
I am heartbroken because I want to be putting finishing touches on a nursery, not hoping to one day be putting one together.
I am heartbroken because I want to be folding the tiniest of laundry to fill dresser drawers, not washing blankets to take to the NICU so my tiny prince has a piece of home with him.
I am heartbroken because I want to be having contingency plans in place for who will watch Deuce when I go into labor, not planning out the whens and how longs of daily hospital visits.
I am heartbroken that instead of having the VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) I wanted so badly, that I had to have an emergency c-section to save mine and my Malachi's life.
I am heartbroken that Deuce won't have the coming to the hospital after the birth to meet his baby brother experience, and that I have had hospital staff tell me he can "meet" Malachi through a window.
I am heartbroken that Friday (May 30) should've been my last day of work, instead I am faced with returning to work while my baby is still in the hospital.
My heart is broken. Broken for everything we lost when Malachi came so early. Broken for the plans we had being crushed. Broken for the future we planned for our family now being so uncertain. Broken for our world completely turned upside down.
In my brokenness though, I am thankful.
I am thankful I am alive!
I am thankful for modern medicine that has kept my Malachi alive!
I am thankful for even the tiniest of miracles in his life!
I am thankful for a husband, who's unwavering faith and strength have kept me going!
I am thankful for the ARMY of people who have surrounded us with support!
I am thankful for my "mat carriers" that have been available to me 24/7!
I am thankful for a God who takes every piece of a broken heart and stitches it back together. It will never be as it was before.
I am thankful for a God who has caught every tear I have cried and who will catch every tear I will cry.
In the midst of my pain and heartbreak, I can still find something to be thankful for.
And a thankful heart is what God asks us to come to him with. So I will start each day thanking him for every blessing in this life and I will continue to thank Him, no matter what heartbreak comes my way!
Thank for sharing your heart. Your heartbreak tugs at my heart, but through it all I see your uplifed hands. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm shedding tears as I read this, because It is beautiful. Your family is so strong and will continue to get stronger. Keep the fair you have in our Lord and he will be your biggest supporter. I understand most of the feelings you wrote and I pray someday God will give the knowledge to someone to help prevent prematurity. My thoughts and prayers are always with you, Chi, Deuce, your husband and all your family and friends. Sending lots of love your way.
ReplyDeleteHi, you don't know me but I just wanted to say hello and I am praying for you. Funny that I should stumble onto your blog today, you see today is my son's second birthday. He was born at 26 weeks and 2 days. I hear your heart and I understand the heartbreak. Let me tell you that there comes a special set of joys from your little preemie that offset the heartbreak early on. Each milestone that they hit is a new celebration of their sweet life. And the most satisfying thing in the world is to watch my son eat after all those days in the NICU wishing that I could get even one full feeding down him the 'normal' way. Dear sister, know your heart and your sweet son are in the mighty hands of God, and HE is infinitely gentle. Also, my son has a big sister who was two when he was born and I know the heartbreak of watching siblings struggle through their parents' divided attention and time. Oh, there are so many things... I wish I could just sit with you. Know that God is there and He will carry you and your family.
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