Incomplete

When people ask how I am today. The first word that pops into my head is "I feel incomplete". I've never said that, but that's how I feel.
The first few months after Malachi was born I kept feeling like "I should still be pregnant" "I should be setting up his room, having a baby shower, preparing for him to come home." It was a definite mourning process to get through all of that. I grieved the loss of all the "typical" pregnancy things that I missed out on. I SERIOUSLY grieved. Then his due date came. And oh that day was hard. So hard. He was due on Father's Day this year. I tried so hard to not let the emotions of that overwhelm me and take away from celebrating the 3 amazing fathers in my life. My Husband, my daddy and my father-in-love(law). I had some moments but overall made it through the day ok.
Now that his due date has passed, I feel that the mourning and grieving for what I lost in that time has lessened. I still feel sadness over missing out on so much but it's definitely less that in was before. Now though, the feeling I am left with is being incomplete. I feel incomplete because now is the time I should be basking in the newborn glow, smelling his hair as we cuddle, being up with him all hours of the night, the pure exhaustion that follows, and figuring out our new life as a family of four. I don't have any of that, I haven't gotten to have any of that. Instead I have become all to familiar with the sounds, sights and smells of the NICU: The constant beeping of monitors, the constant specialists coming in to examine him, the multiple surgeries, being told over and over the outlook does not look good.
How I wish I were having sleepless nights due to the cries of a newborn, but my sleeplessness now is due to anxiety of how my little one is doing. I sleep light in anticipation of my phone ringing. The anxiety is sometimes overwhelming. I could physically sleep for 12 hours, but wake up feeling like I haven't slept a wink.
Life also feels incomplete because, while we are technically a family of 4, I still feel like we are a family of 3 and we are caught in this weird limbo. We haven't been able to fully welcome Malachi into our family, our home and our daily life. He is separated from us. I shy away from taking photos of my family right now because I look at them with sadness because I feel we are incomplete. It is a weird existence. Deuce has yet to meet his baby brother[because of his age he is not allowed into the NICU]. I am thankful for his age, as I feel his age and naivete has sheltered him from all of the stress this has brought on us, but it saddens me that he hasn't gotten to be a big brother yet to Malachi.
My broken heart yearns for the day I will feel complete with my Malachi home.