What to do for a grieving parent

There are A LOT of articles out there on what people should NOT do or say to someone who is grieving the loss of a child. My favorites of those include: 1. Do not say “I know you will have more children” (or something like that) the child we lost can never be replaced. EVER. In this moment we are mourning and grieving him, not eagerly thinking of trying again. Please just don’t. 2. PLEASE don’t say “everything happens for a reason” – NO reason will ever be enough for a human heart to understand or accept this level of tragedy. When we get to heaven and see things only in the light of eternity and separate from our human nature, only then we might be able to understand. And 3. Do not compare/equate your pain of a loss (parent, relative, pet, job etc..) to theirs of losing their child. There is no pain like losing a child. None whatsoever, so unless you have lost a child too, please don’t try to say you know how they feel. You don’t.

Those are some big no-no’s that stick out to me, thankfully we haven’t had to deal with much of that, but nonetheless I wanted to point those out.

In talking with some of my closest friends, the conversation sometimes gets to talking about others and how they don’t know what to do for someone going through this or a similar season. So I want to give you ideas of what TO do. Things that have helped us get through this.

1. Get tangible. Tangible help. “If you need anything, I am here” is a great sentiment, but often the parents don’t have the energy or brain power to think of what they might need or to reach out for help. If someone has set up a meal train, sign up to bring a meal, call/text and offer to watch their kids if they need it (although I’ll tell you most probably won’t, all I have wanted is my living son near to me at this time), offer to clean their house and help with laundry, offer to pick kids up from school, mow their lawn, get their car washed, bring coffee over etc. Anything to ease the burden of daily tasks is helpful to parents walking through this.
2. Donate (if you can). If someone has set up a donation fund for them, any amount helps. Being off of work for an extended period of time creates what can seem like insurmountable financial hardship. Hospital bills(The average NICU cost per day, is $3000. $3000 PER DAY), late payments, gas, food, cell phone, heat, water..etc. I promise you this money does not go to waste, and bills add up very very fast. Can you imagine no income for 6 months? I promise you, any amount, no matter how big or small, helps.
3. Give grace to grieving parents to not return phone calls, texts, emails, etc. They have no energy. There are days that the energy required to get out of bed is all they have, and sometimes they can’t even get that far. If you “see” them on social media, but you have not gotten a personal response from them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get offended. Social media can be an outlet for them to share their journey and let people know where emotionally they are at that particular day. It might take everything in them just to post something and it’s probably helpful for them to share.
4. Keep reaching out to them. Even if they don’t respond to you right away(reference above), keep reaching out. They read every text, email and listen to every voicemail. The encouraging words from someone can help them through their day. Don’t be afraid to tell them that you love them and are thinking about them. Even if you assume that they are being inundated with these kind of messages, they are always welcome. Sometimes you might be the only person who has reached out to them that day. Never undervalue the worth of a spoken word of love.
5. Don’t be afraid to talk about the child they lost with them. Let them know how his story inspired you, or helped you. Let them know how incredible their child is. Let them know how loved their child is. There will likely be tears, but knowing their child made a difference, even if you think it is minuscule, is healing balm to a broken heart. Parents are proud of their children and want to talk about them. Am I saying a 2-hour long conversation about them, probably not, but even a simple “Malachi (insert name of child) was/is so loved and cherished” has meant the world to me. If they have older living children, ask about them too.
6. If you are close with them, give them your time. Your time and support will be needed for long haul. Not just in the immediate days following their loss… but for weeks, months, years to come. If it’s time just sitting with them, talking with them. There is no time limit on the pain of losing a child, it will always be with their parents. Don’t disappear.
7. If you can’t find words to say, simply say “I am so sorry for your loss, I don’t know what to say” The parent would rather hear that honest statement, then platitudes that tend to harm more than help.
8. If you see something that reminds you of their child, if you are able to, purchase it for them and give it to them as a gift. There is no such thing to a grieving parent as to many mementos to have of their child.
9. Remember their child. In the months and years ahead. Holidays, their child’s birthday, mother’s day, father’s day. These are all painful holidays for a parent who has lost a child. One of the fears of a parent who has lost a child is that he/she will be forgotten.
10. Love them and don’t be afraid to show affection. Give them hugs, hold their hand, literally give them your shoulder to cry on, just “be” with them.

These are 10 things that have dramatically helped us in our grieving process so far. If you know someone going through the grief of losing a child, I hope this list can give you insight into what you can do to help them. Remember that nothing you say can take away their pain. But with the help of people around them they will come through their season.

***A simple edit to include of of the greatest things that has sustained us through this. Prayer. People praying for us has held us together when the words just won't come anymore. People coming around us to pray for our son's life gave us the strength to hope for one more day. Prayer for us a couple and a family treading these waters now, is what will help get us through.***

So maybe there's 11 things :)