The dictionary defines the word reckless as:
Reckless: utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action.
The dictionary defines the word hope as:
Hope: Idioms "hope against hope: To continue to hope, although the outlook doesn't warrant it.
Reckless Hope. We had reckless hope for Malachi. We never lost hope that everything could turn out the way we wanted. In the face of horrible outlook, we kept believing for better things for him. When the medical community told us the challenges he would face if he were to survive, we kept hope that he would still be perfect. Because of the reckless hope we had, we learned to live in the expectancy of miracles. Maybe that's why his passing came as a "shock" to us. I say it came as a shock because we had learned to live with the expectancy and hope that he would make it through anything thrown at him, as he had done for 127 days. The morning Malachi was born, the medical staff told us it was likely he would not survive, he survived birth. When Malachi was 5 days old and we discovered his bowel had ruptured, they told us he would not survive, he survived the surgery. When he developed a bacterial infection in his abdomen and Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC), they told us he would not survive, he survived that surgery as well. When the medical community told us he needed surgery to connect his bowel, but it was likely he wouldn't survive that surgery, he did. The doctors met with us multiple times to tell us how sick Malachi was, what his prognosis would be if he made it out of the NICU, and gave us the option to withdraw support. After a few times of them telling us this, we made it clear to them that we had no intention if withdrawing support and to please not ask us that question again. It felt sometimes as if they didn't think we understood how sick and serious our Malachi's conditions were. We just explained to the best of our ability that we were choosing to live with hope, and that whatever God had planned for our son, we nor them could change that outcome. Maybe they thought we were reckless because they know statistics, we reminded them time and time again how Malachi had already beaten so many. We had reckless hope, in the bleakest outlook that he would be ok. When we were told that his heart condition had significantly worsened over a period of 3 weeks, we believed with a reckless hope that he would be ok and beat this, as he had all the prior issues. It blindsided us that he didn't. I believed wholeheartedly that he could make it through anything. Some would probably say we were reckless because we believed so much that he would be fine that we never prepared to say goodbye to him. Honestly, I don't know how anyone, even knowingly, would be able to prepare for that. Maybe they think it would've been easier had we just accepted what they told us and let him go earlier. I don't think it would've been. One of our incredible nurses talked with me one day about what would happen if he suddenly started to decline, when you're in this situation these are the conversations that happen, she said that they can usually always get a heartbeat back with medication, and then the parents usually have to make a choice to 'let them go' 'stop working on him' etc. That night LaRon and I prayed that if it came to that, that God wouldn't let us make that decision. That God would. And mercifully, He did.
We don't regret for a second living with reckless hope and with the expectation of miracles, even though the outcome was not what we wanted.
I'm GLAD, THANKFUL & GRATEFUL that we lived like that for him. That we lived with an expectancy of miracles for his life. It forced us to not be constantly thinking about if/when he would pass away. It let us savor each moment with him. It let us not see him as declining in health, but instead allowed us to savor every small step in the right direction and every miracle along the way. It allowed us precious, precious time with him. Time to see him grow, see him smile, watch a personality develop, time to get to know our son. Hope, a reckless hope, anchored us through those storms. It allowed us to come to a place of worship and thankfulness to God for the life He entrusted us with. Malachi's life & Malachi's legacy.
Whatever you are facing today, I dare you to live with a reckless hope for your situation. I dare you to see the beauty in each moment. And I dare you to live in expectancy of miracles.
Yes our hearts were shattered that things didn't turn out the way we wanted them to, but we learned to live so fully and so abandoned to Jesus, that I am grateful I know how to live like that now. I am grateful I know what it means to FULLY trust Him with every piece of my life. I am thankful for the time he gave us with Malachi. And I am thankful for the promise that I will see my Chi again, whole, healthy, full of Life.
Live with a Reckless Hope. Though others might think you are crazy or irresponsible, you will never regret learning to live a life of Reckless Hope and in Expectancy of Miracles.
