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Saturday, June 28, 2014

Why Me?


There have been multiple, multiple, and did I say MULTIPLE times along our journey with Malachi that I have gotten mad, angry and have asked [OK, yelled, screamed, cried out] 
WHY ME?
WHY US?
WHY OUR FAMILY?
WHY MUST MY BABY SUFFER?
We are good people. We attend and are involved in church, we pray, strive to live our lives righteously, give back. Why would you [God] allow this to happen to us? Many anguished nights I have fallen asleep wondering the why. I know that's a question that I will likely never know an earthly answer to, and I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with that because me not being okay with it indicates a lack of trust. For if I really trusted Jesus with the life of my child, I would trust every step He has in place. EVERY step. Even if they are steps I don't understand. And so I do. I trust Him because in a time that can cause so much chaos and confusion, He is the constant source of strength and hope I can return to. 

These past 2 weeks have been the ultimate roller coaster. Malachi had the surgery to fully reconnect his gut, and for a few days afterward appeared to be doing good. Emotional highs of his surgery going well and him appearing to progress. Then he started to get sick. Sick as in retaining a lot, and I mean A LOT of fluid. He gained around 3 pounds of FLUID. Imagine as an adult gaining half your body weight in fluid in a matter of days. Every inch of him was swollen. Then his lungs filled with fluid. He was miserably uncomfortable and was placed on an constant IV drip of pain medication and a sedative to keep him as calm as possible. His ventilation requirements had to increase. His oxygen support was at times 80% PLUS. That is incredibly high, room air is only around 21%. The doctors told us there was nothing more they could do. Many times in the last two weeks we have been told he would not make it through this. We went from the emotional high of his gut was FINALLY whole to being told he is likely going to die. My baby. One night last week, I can't remember which as my days all kind of blend together and are a blur, I was praying for my Malachi. On my knees, in my room, crying out from a desperate mother's heart for God to perform another miracle for my baby boy. "God you have brought him this far, keep doing your thing, prove them all wrong!" I demanded God to work, to move. In this prayer session I came back to the "Why Me, him, us" questions. I prayed for an answer. In that moment I felt the voice of the Lord say to me.
 "Jamie.....why not you."
 "why not give this precious, amazing, miracle child to a couple who will glorify my name for every small step in the right direction?"
"why not give this child to a couple who will never stop loving him and believing in him, and Me, even in the face of every doctors worst prognosis."
"why not reveal the deepness of my love for you through Malachi's miraculous birth and life"
"why not choose a couple who will use Malachi's story to impact so many"
"Jamie....why not you?"
Emotion flooded me. I began to thank God for entrusting to LaRon and I one of His most beautiful treasures, I began to thank Him over and over for every single miracle that has been performed in Malachi's life. I began to thank Him for every life my baby boy has touched without even saying a word. I began to thank him for this trial that is deepening our faith in a way few know. I began to thank Him for the opportunity to be a light in that NICU and being able to connect and pray and believe with other parents. 
I BEGAN TO THANK HIM FOR ALL OF THIS. 
Once my perspective changed, my whole outlook on our situation changed. The Lord has heard every prayer for my Malachi. Every body system that has been prayed over, He knows. He has listened and His work has been continuing. I began to simply pray prayers of thanksgiving to Him. Thanking the Lord for Malachi's life, for every second we get with him, for EVERY person (including YOU) who has prayed for him, for every nurse who has fought for him, loved him and comforted him. You could call it coincidence, but when the prayers shifted to me having an attitude of thanksgiving, rather than being a victim. Malachi's life shifted....the fluid began to come off, a new doctor with a new tactic came on for him this week, I was able to hold him, he has steadily improved daily this week. And while I know we are not "out of the woods" yet, I know that God is directing every step, so in every step I will say Thank You.

If you are going through a situation, asking God "why me?" listen for His answer. It may not come in the same why mine came, but if you can shift from the victim mentality to thanking Him, your life will be altered. Your situation will be altered. No matter how horrendous it seems, God can use anything for good.
Anything.

So....
Why Not Me?

2 comments:

  1. Thanks Jamie, I'm going thru a situation with my husbands almost 98 year old Aunt. She has no children, her other nieces are aging, we put her in a nursing home this week, they have now made me her Health Care POA I am like what? Why me? I'm not blood. Well, Ray is power of attorney and he barely has time for that, working 6 days 12 hrs. until at least Thanksgiving. So, I needed to hear this. I've been to see her every day so far, and as far as I know, I am the only one, no one was feeding her lunch today, and she can't feed her self. So guess who fed her? Yep. Me. And I took her to her room, when she was done, stayed with her till they could put her into bed, brushed her hair, after she got into bed, she started choking, coughing, a nurse was with her, she pushed the call light, no one came, I had to yell down the hall hey emergency down here, call light is on. They finally came down, we almost lost her. So I guess this is why me.

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  2. Thank you for sharing. This is really good encouragement. I'm still on a journey of healing after losing 2 babies 2 years ago. I've had many angry, filled with doubt, talks with God over time and answers may never come, but just this week I've been pondering the role of thankfulness in my journey toward restoration and this post was right on time. I surely am thankful for the healthy baby in my arms today after a season of loss. My hubby and I have been praying for you and LaRon and Mali. We love you guys. Thank you for being a blessing, even in the midst of one of the hardest seasons. We love you guys!

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