New Year, New Hope

New Year, New Hope.

This blog has been stirring in my mind for a while now. Well over a month. But I kept thinking that a blog titled new year, new hope is just too cliché..yet I have conceded with myself that when I feel the need to share something and it doesn’t go away, then I need to share it. What for, it’s likely I’ll never know. But listening to my inner (upper) voice is better than having it nag at me ALL.THE.TIME. So here we go.

I think there’s one question that a lot of people want to ask us, but they hesitate. It’s understandable that they hesitate, this is a touchy subject. This is one that can either bring an onslaught of tears and even more broken pieces of a heart or it could bring the twinkle to the eye of a new hope. When someone asked this at the reception after Malachi’s service (well they talked about it, didn’t necessarily state this question) I was horrified and dismissed them. A few months ago I would’ve hated when someone asked this question, it just would have been too hard to think about. This is the question:

Do you think you’ll have more children? Or any variation of that statement… although personally I hate the phrase “will you try again” as if I failed with Malachi, as if he never was here. He was here. He LIVED. He fought. I held him. I breathed his baby scent. I fed him. I changed his diapers. I had 127 days with him. And he died. I much prefer, “will you have another/more children”. I’ve actually been more careful now myself when talking with friends I know who’ve had miscarriages and have tailored my questions to “another/more” type statements, as opposed to “trying again”. But I digress… 

Earlier in our process this wasn’t something I could handle even thinking about, let alone talking about. My amazing husband would bring it up gently and even that felt like too much. I didn’t know if I would ever get to the point where even talking about this was OK. So I prayed. I prayed for God to renew that desire in me, if that is what He wanted. I prayed for Him to soften my heart, to prepare me for this. My husband and I had multiple conversations and in his wisdom he spoke something to me in probably the first conversation we had about this after Malachi passed and he said this: “I do not believe that our circumstances changes the dreams/desires that God has put in our hearts”. WHAT. Not what I wanted to hear. But so wise, and in time I have learned so very true. We always have wanted a lot of kids. 4. Some call that crazy. I call that seeing a home full of the sounds of love and laughter that I yearn for. Even if Malachi had lived longer and come home with us, we had still planned on having more kids. Because of consistent prayer and conversation with God and my husband, my heart softened to this idea. Not that an additional child would be Malachi’s replacement, but that he or she would be and addition to our family and one who was always wanted and always going to be there. So now where are we? The answer to the obvious question is No we are not pregnant right now (sorry for those that thought this might be a build up to that announcement!). But we have taken steps in that direction. We have been so open with our journey that I wanted to be open about this next step as well. So here is where we are:

In December we had a high risk pre-conception appointment. We met with the head of perinatology (high risk OBGYN) for Kaiser and had a great meeting. Our doctor had gone over my complete chart from our hospital stay when we had Malachi, my previous miscarriage at 15 weeks in early 2013 and our pregnancy and delivery with Deuce. There were some consistent abnormalities in all of them. In the least technical way to explain it, blood vessels to the placentas were clotted off. The placentas were never given the right amount of blood supply, therefore couldn’t nourish our babies correctly. With Deuce, our doctor told us, we got lucky. As tears rolled down my face I realized how much of a miracle he is. They believe this is why the miscarriage happened. They know this is why Malachi was so small (I know he was only 25 weeks, but he was small for 25 weeks, the size of a 23 weeker). This doesn’t explain the HELLP syndrome (www.whatthehellp.com). There are no known causes of HELLP, but clotting disorders are thought to be a risk factor. But it does allow us to do some preventative measures the next time we get pregnant to make sure that the placenta gets the correct amount of blood supply it needs, Lovenox (blood thinner) injections daily as soon as I test positive, weekly visits beginning at 16 weeks, weekly bloodwork to look for HELLP markers, weekly NSTs to monitor baby’s growth, etc. He also stated I have closer to a 50% risk of developing HELLP syndrome again, because of how early onset and how severe mine was with Malachi. And then he encouraged us. Showed us photographs of families who have been through what we’ve been through and have welcomed more children into their family, and he said this “I would not discourage you from having more children”…before we left he grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes and said “I will be with you every step of the way, we can do this together if this is what you want.” Tears streaming down my face as we left, because let me tell you that is a lot if information to digest, a peace filled us. This doctor gave us hope. We know the journey will be different, in ways it will be more difficult, more complicated, more everything. But I know at the end I would be able to say it was all worth it, like I did with Malachi’s journey. Every moment worth it.

So that is where we are. We had our appointment; we have been given clearance and a “plan”, though we know more than anyone that not all things happen according to your plan, we have been given hope. A new hope. For a new year. And a new baby. So please pray for us. This journey seems daunting. I can’t imagine not being entirely stressed out the whole time or even being able to enjoy a pregnancy, but as I talked with one of my closest friends about this and I said “there’s no way I can have a stress free, completely enjoyable carefree pregnancy again” she wisely looked at me with love in her eyes and said “but you can.” Because we are rooted in truth, because my life and the lives of my children are in the hands of the One who holds us all, because we know that God is good regardless of our circumstance. I’m surrounded by such wise people.

So pray with us, for us, and for new life.

Perhaps this is real Christian living, this is whole hearted living. Where the greatest pain and trauma you have known, become the birthplace for the greatest miracle you could ever experience. (my version of a statement made by Christa Black www.Christablack.com)