There something not alot of people talk about when you lose a child....The year of firsts that follow. You anticipate this year when you have a baby, eager to celebrate every "first", document the firsts with photos, and finish out the year with an over-the-top first birthday where you celebrate the amazing year your child has had.
There's another side to firsts though...The first year of loss. The first holidays without them, first milestones you think about that should've been met, first family trips.....
We met one of those firsts this weekend a little unexpectedly. We went camping. While it may not seem a big deal to most, camping is huge in our family. We go for quick weekends fairly often, and long weeks when we can plan it out in advance. We LOVE to camp. While Malachi was in the NICU we would often talk about taking him camping, where his first trip would be (Deuce's was Burney Falls!), would he love it as much as we, and his big brother do? We loved dreaming of his future with us in the great outdoors; camping, hiking, fishing....Our hearts break that we never got the chance to experience this. This weekend as we packed up to go, a sense of melancholy came about. Wishing he was with us. Wishing we could have this first with him, instead of just carrying him with us. Wishing we'd be waking every 2 hours to feed him and rock him back to sleep....but we went on. Carried forward in the life we know he would want us to live. Deuce had the time of his life, he loves everything and anything outdoors. In him, we find a source of joy that is unending. We love watching him explore the world around him and grow!
The first order of business when camping is to find the best sticks with daddy!
Oh those curls....be still my heart.
After finding sticks it's on to playing with your trucks in the dirt!
Next comes figuring out the tent trailer door! This was Deuces first time camping where he's big enough to go in and out on his own! That was an adventure...let's just say we're glad the door locks!
Then comes lunchtime, this day was PB&J and Cheetos (his absolute favorite, but rare treat!)
Oh my brown-eyed boy.....He can get anything from mama with those beauties! (and he knows it!)
Then comes lake time and cuddles with mommy. He didn't want to go in the water, just wanted to sit quietly with me on this rock. I love these quiet times with him, they are rare! But it's also in these times I feel the missing piece the most. Wanting to have my arms full with my two boys. Longing for the hole in my heart to be filled. But cuddles from this love bug are balm to my broken heart.
While we were sitting here a butterfly flew up to us, landed on a rock beside us and stayed for a while. Deuce said "hi 'fly fly'(butterfly)" and the butterfly fluttered around us then flew away. Maybe it was a "hello from heaven" from my Tiny Prince. I like to think so.
and of course...we fished...
Lot's of fishing, no catching. But we still had a great time.
We are learning how to live in this year of firsts. I think we tackled the first big one for us quite well. Yes there were moments of tears and missing him and just wishing he could be here with us(I think those will always be there). But as a friend reminded me Friday afternoon, we always carry him with us, right in our hearts.
Keep praying for us as we tackle this year of firsts.
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