Mary, Did You Know?

This song... 

Mary, did you know?

It's always been a Christmas favorite of mine. It carved even deeper into my heart when I became the mother of a boy, my 3 year old spunky, spirited Deuce. It has etched even further now, as the mother to my angel Malachi. The words have an entirely new meaning. 

Mary did you know? It makes me wonder what Mary knew about this child she carried, The Son of God. Did God shield her heart from what lay before her? Did God allow her glimpses of knowing who Jesus would be? Did God tell her she would have to do 2 incredibly difficult things in her life?; bring her Jesus into the world, then watch him die? Would she have still said yes to the angel who delivered the news to her? Would any mother choose this, knowing the things that lie ahead? 

Don't get me wrong, I am not comparing my Malachi to Mary's Jesus, I just feel a new connection to this Mother Mary. Malachi came to us as a surprise pregnancy, unexpected. But we welcomed him with open arms, so excited for him. Then our journey began, and my Malachi began to change lives. Not just mine, but countless stories of those around me who's lives have been affected by his. Lives won for the Kingdom and eternity because of him. His story is still changing lives, I hear it near weekly, stories of his impact. It helps to know these. 

Approaching Christmas, our first one without Malachi, I mourn with Mary. I wonder how she felt when she approached His first birthday without Him (what we now celebrate as Christmas) I wonder if she felt the loss the same because after all, even though He was the King of Kings, He was still her baby boy. I wonder if she rejoiced when He was remembered in the same way I do when I hear Malachi's name spoken. I wonder if His death made her long for heaven that much more, as I do. Answers I know I won't find this side of heaven, but it makes me ponder it that much more. How she felt when he was born and when she had to say goodbye, because she was human. When I imagine what she had to go through, it makes me love and admire her so much more. 

I wonder that if even God showed her all that was ahead, would she have said yes? I know I would. I know that I would have said yes to everything over and over to have those 4 months with our Malachi. I know that knowing his purpose here and seeing eternal impact makes things better, but not 100%. But I would choose it all over again. As I think Mary would. Because to know that love, to honor that love, to be a part of that kind of love; there is nothing better.

Giving Thanks

Tomorrow we face our first holiday without Malachi. Our first holiday with something missing from our family, someone missing. It doesn't feel complete. It feels daunting. The holidays are typically my favorite time of year, this year I have felt a cloud of sadness surrounding them, to the point where I want to pretend that they aren't here. That there's nothing to celebrate. Because how can I be thankful for this past year. I am learning, but it is a process. Some of the people I am around I feel comfortable crying when something hits me, I know they will let me lean on them. Others I feel like I have to hide the tears that burn my eyes so hotly for fear that they will think "she's still not over this?" "life has moved on", or just the awkwardness that it could bring as they would stand there not knowing what to do (just hug me and say you love me if this happens in your presence), it's a delicate balance. I am learning to be thankful for the mundane and the routine. You never know how precious those moments are until you can no longer have them with the ones you love, even changing a diaper has taken on a whole new sentiment. In looking back at this year, I also want to find things to be thankful for. To see things worth celebrating and not just see the devastation and the tragedy we faced. Am I thankful Malachi was born so early, No. But I am thankful that he was born. Am I thankful for the hardships of health he faced, No. But I am thankful for the hope and courage he gave me to face another day as he faced his struggles so fearlessly. Am I thankful that he passed away, absolutely not. But I am thankful for the 4 months we had with him. I am thankful that this journey has deepened my hope, faith and relationship with my creator. I am thankful for the promise of heaven. I am thankful for no longer fearing any aspect of death, because I know when that day comes I will have a smile on my face and say "I'm going to see my baby."

I miss him, so much it hurts. So much that the tears burn my eyes constantly. How I longed to put him in a cute Turkey outfit for his first Thanksgiving. To have our first holiday season as a family of 4. When someone is missing from your family, there's an air of things just not feeling "right". I wonder if that feeling fades over the years. I'm aware that though the coming years will be tough, this one we are in is the hardest. I am working to not let these emotions overwhelm me and to still maintain an attitude of thankfulness for what I do have. I have an incredible husband who loves me and our boys. I have a 3-yr old son who is the light of our lives. I often say he's the reason I get out of bed most days. He forces us to get going and he brings an immeasurable amount of joy into our home. Where I would be without him, I have no idea. He's really understanding the concepts of holidays this year and he is super excited about Christmas time, a boy after my own heart. So while we live in this dual word, one foot in joy, the other in sorrow, I am reminded that in ALL things, in ALL circumstances I have things to be thankful for. It's what Christ calls us to do..
1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to give thanks in ALL circumstances, not just the good and the plenty. But in the bad and in the want as well.

 I hope this season you will find thankfulness and joy in whatever circumstance you face. Whether it be the loss of a family member, stresses, etc...We can all find something to be thankful for.

Jesus, Bring The Rain...

Fall and winter have always been my favorite seasons. The brisk coolness of the morning, crunching leaves under boots, rain showers and storms that keep you inside snuggled warmly with the ones you love. It’s easy to see why fall is a favorite season. I knew the changing in seasons would be different this year. I feel like we were in a continual summer with Malachi. Hours spent in the warmth of the NICU with the sun shining through his window. As fall approached, I knew it would be hard for me. I knew it would be another sign of time moving forward without my precious one here. But summer lingered, warmth lingered, and the heat both in the air and in the searing pain in my heart, lingers. Well into October, I woke up to the sound of raindrops strumming away, the slight breeze in the air making my Malachi wind chime sing, and I knew the season was here. Fall. This morning it was official that fall has arrived. With the changing of the season, it is another reminder that time continues on, a reminder that while I linger in grief and sadness, the world and time continue to move forward. I lay in bed for a few extra minutes this morning. Listening to the rain, praying, and not wanting to leave the heat of my comforter and step into the cold air that surrounded me, the cold, refreshing air that filled my bedroom. I grudgingly came out from underneath the warm covers as my morning mom duties needed to be fulfilled. Get dressed for the day, pack Deuces lunch, wake up my sleeping prince with our morning song, snuggle a little extra with him, and off on the day we went. This change in the air not once escaping my thoughts as my sandals worn turned to boots being pulled on, every second and moment a reminder of what today was. As we drove to school Deuce and I prayed together, he talked about his baby brother, then sang songs, then talked about the fire truck that would be at school today. He is so excited to see this fire truck! As he sang and I prayed for the strength to make it through today, feeling it would be a day of sadness, after all along with the weather, today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I felt God speak to my spirit, I

felt his presence fill my car in a physical way. And he spoke to me, about the weather, about this change in season. About how, like everything, I have a choice. A choice to see it the way I have been, as melancholy and adding an extra layer of sadness, or a choice to see it with new eyes, the way He wanted me to see it. I don’t know how to describe what He told me other than to tell you what He said.

This is what he told me; 

“My sweet daughter Jamie, I know your heart is broken, I know you feel dry, I know you feel weary and I know your land feels empty. You have remained faithful to me through it all. As I bring the change of the seasons in the weather, I want to bring a change of season to your heart, to your life. As the heat has left the land barren and dry, so has your pain left your life feeling the same. But see, a change comes. The coolness in the air will bring a refreshing to your soul. The rain I pour out on this dry land of draught, let it be the rain and healing balm I pour into the broken pieces of your heart. Let me fill the cracks with my living water. Let me plant something new in you, let this time of storms be a time that something new, that you cannot see yet, take root and begin to take life. Let me water it. Let this winter be a time of deep healing for you as you walk through your darkest days. Let me spirit comfort your heart like it is wrapped in an old quilt sitting by a fire. And when spring comes, something new, something beautiful will bloom in places that once looked so barren and dry.”

WOW. My mind eased. Yes Lord, I will accept this. I will accept the seasons you have chosen for me with a renewed sense of faith that you will bring beauty from these ashes. That you DO work ALL things together for the good of those that love you. The key in what He told me was to let him. LET HIM. That means it remains my choice. My choice to stay in a land of heat and pain, or my choice to let Him do a new work. My choice is to let Him do a work, so beautiful that my mind wouldn’t be able to comprehend if He showed me right now. So deep, that it will permeate all the broken places and bring a healing like I have never known. I know it won’t be easy, I know like the winter that approaches that there will be days of storms and days of sunshine. But I will continue to move forward believing that as He pours the rain, that the same rain pours into my heart. And as he pours the sunshine, that I can enjoy those days and find happiness.

It is your choice too. To let the Father of healing into the most broken places you know. To let his living water flow through the cracks and mend your heart. To let healing come. To let Him, who is the only ones who knows how, restore you to completeness. Make that choice with me today! 

And the music stopped

What is it about music that can make it speak directly to your situation, your soul and your emotions? Music has always played an important role in my life. A specific song coming on the radio can bring back nostalgia of good memories, that summer spent underneath the stars, timeless memories. Music played a huge role in our journey with Malachi. Singing songs of praise to God became the way I coped with the good days and the bad days; when I couldn't utter another word of prayer because I was too weak, music held up my prayers to heaven as I raised my arms to my King. As a previous post mentioned, the Bethel Music album “You Make Me Brave” became my anthem album for our journey. Songs of hope and thankfulness on the days we celebrated, songs of inspiration and encouragement on the not so good days; it felt like every song on that album touched a point in our journey in a special way. And then it happened, the day the music stopped. When Malachi passed away I couldn't bear to listen to the songs I had spent hours listening to in praise and hope that he would come home to us. My heart broke with every chord and word that reflected our hearts desire for our son, that we never saw fulfilled. I couldn't bear to listen to it after he passed. It felt like promises that weren't fulfilled, a life that wasn't returned to us. How could I sing in joy and praise when my son was gone. Since he passed I haven’t been able to turn the radio on, in fear a song will play that will release the floodgates of tears, that are barely held shut as it is. I have only listened to music when played in another vehicle. Even then I tend to tune it out. Our first time back at church after Malachi passed away we made it in time for worship; worship has always been my favorite part of service, but admittedly we rarely make it on time. I didn't know how I would feel when the songs began to play….fast paced songs of praise were easy…the slower, more intimate songs of worship and love were the hardest. How do I praise Him in the most painful of tragedy a mother can experience? Tears fill my eyes as I began to sing, choked by them, all I could do was raise my hands and let my tears fall to the feet of the throne room and fall to the one who can take my anger, my pain and my tears. Praising him in the storm. Choosing to praise him in the storm. In singing the songs of worship, love and adoration I had to make a choice to continue seeing God that way. It has tested my thoughts of who God really is. Sure, I can repeat the platitudes of He is good all the time, all the time He is good, but when faced with the ultimate of heartbreak it remains my choice to believe and trust that His nature remains consistent even in the midst of my circumstance. I was faced with “do I really believe this, with my whole heart, with everything within me; that He is good?” It was my choice to answer Yes or No. This yes is the hardest yes I have ever had to say. I cannot lower my thoughts of who God is to match my pain, if I do that it undermines everything I have ever believed of His nature. I believe I can ask Him why, ask Him to show me beauty in the tragedy and ask him to put the pieces of my heart back together. Even when it is impossible to voice the songs of praise and love, I can still raise my hands to Him and He knows my heart and meets me where I am. I recently downloaded the new album from Steffany Gretzinger titled “The Undoing”….and I listened to it. The first album I have purposefully listened to since losing Malachi. Every song has touched my heart in the place of grief I am in and on my way to healing. Intimate songs of worship to a King who I believe is good in all things. An album that has met me where I am in this journey, but gives hope to the healing ahead. Music is a powerful thing. The soundtrack of life, good and downright awful.

Liquid Gold

Liquid gold. Any mother who has had a baby knows what this is. The precious breastmilk our bodies so naturally make to sustain our babies. I nursed Deuce for a year and loved it, I so looked forward to that same experience with Malachi. When he was born 14weeks early I immediately asked for a pump, much to the chagrin of the nurses. They said over and over to me that I likely would not produce... Due to him being so early, all the stress and how sick I was; it just wasn't a great combo for milk making. They. Were. Wrong. Every day of his life, every 3 hours I pumped. I pumped the liquid gold my baby needed and my body responded. Another one of Malachi's miracles. I would pump at his bedside as the nurses looked on in amazement that I continued to produce...a lot...4-5oz per session, mornings were 10oz! I pumped in cars, in rooms hidden behind mesh room dividers so a bridal party wouldn't catch me, in the middle of the night... My pump was my life source for my baby. On the days he got to have milk, I pumped. On the days he wasn't allowed to eat, I pumped. My milk was the only nutrition he ever tolerated perfectly. Over and over I was told how amazing it was that I could provide that for him. I felt it was the one thing that physically I could do for him, so I kept on. Amazingly right before he passed he was tolerating the most milk he had ever gotten and was amazing the doctors, he was one day away from being 100% on his mamas milk and off of the TPN. Due to the amount of time he wasn't able to be fed due to sickness, surgeries, etc.. I amassed quite the freezer stash of milk. For days after he passed I was angry at the milk I had, angry that it hadn't healed my baby like I wanted it too, angry that he didn't get to have it all. It felt like all my work had been so futile. Then I remembered my amazing nurses telling me one of the reasons he survived for so long was because of my milk. My milk gave me time with him, comfort to him. He loved to suck it off of q-tips and I will never forget the look on his face and eyes when he got to taste his liquid gold. His eyes would widen, his sucking would be strong and furious, and best of all he would smile. That precious beautiful smile he had even when he was so very sick. The smile that have me hope. In the midst of the storm if he could smile, so could I. The last time I pumped was the night before his memorial service. Graciously, I beleive God eased the pain of stopping pumping and I was able to stop relatively easy, with no infections or serious discomfort. That in itself was another miracle considering how long I'd pumped and how often. In tears I placed the last bag of milk into the freezer. My pumping journey was over. But the journey of Malachi's milk is not.

A few weeks after he passed I knew I wanted to donate his milk. But I had stipulations. I wanted it to be personal. I wanted whoever received it to know Malachi's story. That every time they defrosted some milk to give to their baby, that they would remember him, remember us. I wanted it to go to a baby who really needed it, preferably a preemie. I wanted his milk to mean something. I know I was being picky, but this was the situation I prayed for. Last Tuesday, this prayer was answered. It was answered in an even more beautiful way than I prayed for. Today brought the physical donation of Malachi's milk. To a mom who desperately needed it, to preemie babies, to a mom who is someone I have known for nearly my whole life. A true personal connection. As I made the drop off there were tears in both our eyes. Bittersweet tears from mine as I explained how she was an answer to prayer for me and how happy I was to bless them with it but at the same time how I was sad that Chi never got it; and tears from her telling me how I was her answer to prayer for her babies, and how she would make sure they grew up knowing about it and about Malachi's story. 

His legacy continues. Liquid gold, that helped my Malachi more than anything could have, now will help two babies who need this. 

I will never forget the time I spent pumping for my Malachi, there were days it brought me to tears, but mostly it brought me hope and peace that my body knew what he needed, and in that way, I could provide the absolute best for him. Your legacy carries on my sweet boy. I hope you smiled today as you saw the handing off of this precious liquid gold. Your story lives on and you will never be forgotten.

Year of firsts..

There something not alot of people talk about when you lose a child....The year of firsts that follow. You anticipate this year when you have a baby, eager to celebrate every "first", document the firsts with photos, and finish out the year with an over-the-top first birthday where you celebrate the amazing year your child has had. 

There's another side to firsts though...The first year of loss. The first holidays without them, first milestones you think about that should've been met, first family trips..... 

We met one of those firsts this weekend a little unexpectedly. We went camping. While it may not seem a big deal to most, camping is huge in our family. We go for quick weekends fairly often, and long weeks when we can plan it out in advance. We LOVE to camp. While Malachi was in the NICU we would often talk about taking him camping, where his first trip would be (Deuce's was Burney Falls!), would he love it as much as we, and his big brother do? We loved dreaming of his future with us in the great outdoors; camping, hiking, fishing....Our hearts break that we never got the chance to experience this. This weekend as we packed up to go, a sense of melancholy came about. Wishing he was with us. Wishing we could have this first with him, instead of just carrying him with us. Wishing we'd be waking every 2 hours to feed him and rock him back to sleep....but we went on. Carried forward in the life we know he would want us to live. Deuce had the time of his life, he loves everything and anything outdoors. In him, we find a source of joy that is unending. We love watching him explore the world around him and grow!

The first order of business when camping is to find the best sticks with daddy!

Oh those curls....be still my heart.

After finding sticks it's on to playing with your trucks in the dirt!

Next comes figuring out the tent trailer door! This was Deuces first time camping where he's big enough to go in and out on his own! That was an adventure...let's just say we're glad the door locks!

Next comes hunting for Pine-cones!

Then comes lunchtime, this day was PB&J and Cheetos (his absolute favorite, but rare treat!)

Oh my brown-eyed boy.....He can get anything from mama with those beauties! (and he knows it!)

Then comes lake time and cuddles with mommy. He didn't want to go in the water, just wanted to sit quietly with me on this rock. I love these quiet times with him, they are rare! But it's also in these times I feel the missing piece the most. Wanting to have my arms full with my two boys. Longing for the hole in my heart to be filled. But cuddles from this love bug are balm to my broken heart.

While we were sitting here a butterfly flew up to us, landed on a rock beside us and stayed for a while. Deuce said "hi 'fly fly'(butterfly)" and the butterfly fluttered around us then flew away. Maybe it was a "hello from heaven" from my Tiny Prince. I like to think so. 

and of course...we fished...

Lot's of fishing, no catching. But we still had a great time.

We are learning how to live in this year of firsts. I think we tackled the first big one for us quite well. Yes there were moments of tears and missing him and just wishing he could be here with us(I think those will always be there). But as a friend reminded me Friday afternoon, we always carry him with us, right in our hearts. 

Keep praying for us as we tackle this year of firsts.

What to do for a grieving parent

There are A LOT of articles out there on what people should NOT do or say to someone who is grieving the loss of a child. My favorites of those include: 1. Do not say “I know you will have more children” (or something like that) the child we lost can never be replaced. EVER. In this moment we are mourning and grieving him, not eagerly thinking of trying again. Please just don’t. 2. PLEASE don’t say “everything happens for a reason” – NO reason will ever be enough for a human heart to understand or accept this level of tragedy. When we get to heaven and see things only in the light of eternity and separate from our human nature, only then we might be able to understand. And 3. Do not compare/equate your pain of a loss (parent, relative, pet, job etc..) to theirs of losing their child. There is no pain like losing a child. None whatsoever, so unless you have lost a child too, please don’t try to say you know how they feel. You don’t.

Those are some big no-no’s that stick out to me, thankfully we haven’t had to deal with much of that, but nonetheless I wanted to point those out.

In talking with some of my closest friends, the conversation sometimes gets to talking about others and how they don’t know what to do for someone going through this or a similar season. So I want to give you ideas of what TO do. Things that have helped us get through this.

1. Get tangible. Tangible help. “If you need anything, I am here” is a great sentiment, but often the parents don’t have the energy or brain power to think of what they might need or to reach out for help. If someone has set up a meal train, sign up to bring a meal, call/text and offer to watch their kids if they need it (although I’ll tell you most probably won’t, all I have wanted is my living son near to me at this time), offer to clean their house and help with laundry, offer to pick kids up from school, mow their lawn, get their car washed, bring coffee over etc. Anything to ease the burden of daily tasks is helpful to parents walking through this.
2. Donate (if you can). If someone has set up a donation fund for them, any amount helps. Being off of work for an extended period of time creates what can seem like insurmountable financial hardship. Hospital bills(The average NICU cost per day, is $3000. $3000 PER DAY), late payments, gas, food, cell phone, heat, water..etc. I promise you this money does not go to waste, and bills add up very very fast. Can you imagine no income for 6 months? I promise you, any amount, no matter how big or small, helps.
3. Give grace to grieving parents to not return phone calls, texts, emails, etc. They have no energy. There are days that the energy required to get out of bed is all they have, and sometimes they can’t even get that far. If you “see” them on social media, but you have not gotten a personal response from them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get offended. Social media can be an outlet for them to share their journey and let people know where emotionally they are at that particular day. It might take everything in them just to post something and it’s probably helpful for them to share.
4. Keep reaching out to them. Even if they don’t respond to you right away(reference above), keep reaching out. They read every text, email and listen to every voicemail. The encouraging words from someone can help them through their day. Don’t be afraid to tell them that you love them and are thinking about them. Even if you assume that they are being inundated with these kind of messages, they are always welcome. Sometimes you might be the only person who has reached out to them that day. Never undervalue the worth of a spoken word of love.
5. Don’t be afraid to talk about the child they lost with them. Let them know how his story inspired you, or helped you. Let them know how incredible their child is. Let them know how loved their child is. There will likely be tears, but knowing their child made a difference, even if you think it is minuscule, is healing balm to a broken heart. Parents are proud of their children and want to talk about them. Am I saying a 2-hour long conversation about them, probably not, but even a simple “Malachi (insert name of child) was/is so loved and cherished” has meant the world to me. If they have older living children, ask about them too.
6. If you are close with them, give them your time. Your time and support will be needed for long haul. Not just in the immediate days following their loss… but for weeks, months, years to come. If it’s time just sitting with them, talking with them. There is no time limit on the pain of losing a child, it will always be with their parents. Don’t disappear.
7. If you can’t find words to say, simply say “I am so sorry for your loss, I don’t know what to say” The parent would rather hear that honest statement, then platitudes that tend to harm more than help.
8. If you see something that reminds you of their child, if you are able to, purchase it for them and give it to them as a gift. There is no such thing to a grieving parent as to many mementos to have of their child.
9. Remember their child. In the months and years ahead. Holidays, their child’s birthday, mother’s day, father’s day. These are all painful holidays for a parent who has lost a child. One of the fears of a parent who has lost a child is that he/she will be forgotten.
10. Love them and don’t be afraid to show affection. Give them hugs, hold their hand, literally give them your shoulder to cry on, just “be” with them.

These are 10 things that have dramatically helped us in our grieving process so far. If you know someone going through the grief of losing a child, I hope this list can give you insight into what you can do to help them. Remember that nothing you say can take away their pain. But with the help of people around them they will come through their season.

***A simple edit to include of of the greatest things that has sustained us through this. Prayer. People praying for us has held us together when the words just won't come anymore. People coming around us to pray for our son's life gave us the strength to hope for one more day. Prayer for us a couple and a family treading these waters now, is what will help get us through.***

So maybe there's 11 things :)