Justice came in the morning......

...the birth and coming home story of Justice and Josiah...

When we found out we were pregnant, we immediately thanked God. Even though I had just barely become "ok" with trying again and it happened sooner than I anticipated (i.e. no trying necessary, ALREADY pregnant!) we were so thankful. I prayed for 3 things: 

1. That I would get to bring my baby home; where most pray for a healthy baby, and of course that's what I ultimately wanted, I really prayed just to be able to bring them home. 

2. That the birthday would not be July 12 (Malachi's heavenly birthday, I wanted him to keep that as his special day we remember him on)

3. no NICU time.

One of these requests wasn't answered, but we'll get to that in a bit. 

I calculated my expected due date and saw it was August 8, 2016; I knew I'd be delivered at least 2 weeks early, leaving us mid-end of July. When we learned it was twins, I knew that there was an even greater chance of a July 12 possibility of delivery. At my last appointment with my high risk doctor, he made the decision to deliver 2 weeks from then, our repeat c-section was set for July 18. Perfect I thought! I could get through the week remembering the anniversary of Malachi's passing, then our boys would join our family. The timing was so perfect, the plan was right in line with everything I wanted. 

But I also know, that not all of our plans happen the way we think they will...

Their Birthday:

Wednesday July 6, 2016 I was horribly uncomfortable. I was having braxton hicks contractions all day pretty much non-stop. Hubby and I decided to make a date day to get out of the house. We took Deuce to school and went and saw a movie and had lunch together. We picked Deuce up from school and came home. I crashed on the couch because I was in so much pain I could hardly move. That night I went to bed early. I remember thinking to myself "I wonder if my body is getting ready to have the babies" Though I'd had painful days before, there was just something different about how I was feeling that night. After I went to bed, I was up nearly every hour, having to pee, having contractions, unable to get comfortable etc. In order to not wake up hubby I went and laid on the couch at about 3:30am (July 7), I began to count my contractions and they were coming pretty steady and were pretty uncomfortable though not worse than they'd been before. At 430am a contraction hit me harder and more painful than I'd had before. It rendered me unable to move. Once it passed I went to wake up hubby and told him we probably needed to go to the hospital. I called L&D and they said to definitely come in. I threw together a hospital bag (oops...hadn't planned on using it that soon!) and we were off. My contractions were coming closer and closer together and becoming more and more painful. By the time we got to my parents house to drop Deuce off, I couldn't even walk through them and had to stop and wait them out. We got to the hospital at about 6am; they hooked me up to the monitors and let me know I was in fact in full blown, active labor. The plan was to admit me and have the boys that day! My pain however was intense, SO INTENSE. If you've been there, you know. The gracious doctor that was in that morning (who was literally about to go home) decided to push back one of the other scheduled c sections and get me in for delivery. I remember looking at LaRon and saying "we're going to meet our boys today!"I had hoped and prayed we'd make it to our schedule c-section date as that would give our smaller twin (Justice) a bit more time to grow, in hopes that he wouldn't need any NICU time. But; that wasn't the case, today was the day. 

Before I was taken back to be prepped for the c-section; a familiar face came into our room, one of Malachi's NICU nurses, Carrie. She gave me the biggest hug and said how excited she was that she was working that day in delivery and that she was going to get to be there for the boys' birth! It made my thoughts about possible NICU for Justice a little easier; I knew she'd only send one or both down if they absolutely needed it; as she knew how much I didn't want to go back there. Carrie was there for me in every moment. When they took me back to the operating room she held my hand until LaRon got there. What stuck out to me most was how peaceful it was; no emergency, no one was sick, everyone was excited. The anesthesiologist had a bluetooth speaker and said I could connect to it to play whatever music I wanted...."No Longer Slaves" by Bethel Music was the song I chose my boys to be born to. It's such an anthem cry about not being a slave to fear and it was my battle cry throughout my pregnancy. How perfect that the sounds they'd hear at birth would be those words. LaRon was brought in and the procedure began....I waited with bated breath. You see, my last c-section I was close to dying (no joke, I was) and the ONLY thing I remember from that was not hearing Malachi cry. I waited with bated breath to hear the only sound I'd waited so long to hear....Justice was born first; they announced his birth "time of birth 8:22" and then I heard it; the most incredibly beautiful sound my ears could behold...his cry; I looked at LaRon and said "he's crying, he's alive...." and I broke down. Years of heartache felt healed in that moment. His perfect newborn cry was what my heart needed. Another layer of healing was taking place in that moment. Josiah was then born "time of birth 8:24am" and then the other most beautiful sound; his cry. Our boys were here. Early, tiny, but perfect in every way. Relief, joy and healing washed over us as they first placed Josiah on my chest. I looked over to Justice's warmer and caught eyes with Carrie, his nurse and asked if he was ok...she said he was perfect but was having some rapid breathing that wasn't calming down. Because of that and his teeny size, 4lb 1oz, he had to be taken down to the NICU. Before Carrie took him she reassured me she'd stay with him the entire time. She also did something I will never forget, she gave me a moment that I didn't know I'd have; before taking him down to the NICU she placed him on my chest with Josiah. Both of my perfect boys, right where they should be, if just for a minute. THIS was the moment that for so long I had waited for.

Josiah was able to stay with us and the precious moments we had just him and I were unforgettable. My heart was still broken for my baby in the NICU though, my Justice. I knew he was OK, but traveling that path again, going back IN to the same place that Malachi died, was something I didn't know I could do. Oh the strength a mother's love will give you. I was determined to see my baby that day. By the time they were wheeling me up to our room, I was able to lift my legs, the nurses were impressed; but I know it was my desire to go see Justice that helped me bounce back. A few hours later I was able to be wheeled down to see him. Walking those halls again, going down the elevator, I began to have anxiety, I took deep breaths, LaRon held my hand, and once again we entered the place of our deepest sorrow. The place that held our greatest pain, now held one of our greatest joys; I was going to see my healthy, whole, ALIVE baby, and in that moment, there was no room for fear. 

Juggling twins in the hospital, one with us, one in the NICU, and recovering from the c-section was no easy task. Actually a day or so into our stay I got incredibly overwhelmed and sent all our visitors away. Trying to split my time and 'host' guests was just too much for me. Josiah did great with us and Justice did great in the NICU. We were told it would likely only be a couple of days, but also could be up to 2 weeks until he was home. We contended in prayer for the prior. Josiah and I were discharged on Sunday. Leaving the hospital, without one of my babies, again, was the last thing I wanted to do. I kept begging the NICU doctors to release Justice (I know, totally irrational) but he had to prove he could gain weight appropriately before coming home. We went down to the NICU and were able to take Josiah in with us to have some time, the 4 of us, together before we went home. Leaving that day was so hard. So incredibly hard. I was angry and bitter that the birth I had prayed and longed so hard for, was ending up with things I so desperately didn't want. 

Josiah and I at home. 

Justice alone in the NICU. My heart broke for him. I still feel we were cheated of such precious time together and in ways I feel my body let him down.

Monday morning when we went to see him a new doctor had come on. She was a god send. She had been told our story of Malachi; as Justice had become somewhat of a "celebrity" in the NICU with all Malachi's nurses coming to see him and coming to see me when I was there. When we walked in she told us she was turning his IV off and that if all went well (as she suspected it would) I would be taking him home on Wednesday morning. Joy flooded us. Monday was July 11. The realization then hit me, that Justice would be in the NICU, over the anniversary of Malachi's passing, July 12. When we left that day I spoke with his nurses and let them know I didn't know if I could be there the next day. Stepping foot in there on the anniversary of his passing was just something I couldn't do. They hugged me through my tears and let me know he would be incredibly well taken care of, loved on and snuggled for me. July 12 we spent at home. Remembering our Malachi; and cherishing the quiet times with Josiah. 

Then the next morning came; we got to the NICU as soon as we could, the doctor had already done the discharge exam and he was cleared to come home. We packed his things up as fast as we could and made our way out of the NICU. With both of our alive, healthy and whole babies. I titled this blog "Justice came in the morning.." because it's not lost on me the timing; the day after remembering the day Malachi died, Justice came home to our family. Justice, our tiny 4lb son, and justice for our family for what we've been through, in the form of the most redeeming moment I've ever known.

Justice Anthony and Josiah David: 

You will never know the depth of my love for you. You have healed places in me I thought were forever broken. You will never wonder if you are loved, cherished and wanted. You are two of my greatest treasures. 

I love you.

"And you will receive a double portion blessing, and everlasting joy will be yours" Is. 61:7

Justice Anthony (top) & Josiah David (bottom)

The surprise of a lifetime, part 2…and an update of where we are now!

.....Where were we, oh yes, just had delivered the news to my hubby that we were expecting, only a few short days after we had even decided “hey let’s give this a try again.”

We decided initially not to tell anyone, I of course told a couple of the people closest to me, but other than that, no one knew. I immediately called my OB and my Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialist (aka high risk doctor) and let them know the news. I was already on a baby aspirin regimen as well as pre-natals and at 5 weeks daily Lovenox injections were added to the mix. They scheduled our ultrasound to “confirm viability” at 7 weeks 1 day, a Tuesday, 3 days before Christmas. Nerves can’t explain what I felt in the weeks leading up to that appointment. I figured it would either make for the best Christmas announcement to our families or another season of coping with more loss. It stinks, but when you’ve been through what we have, that’s unfortunately where your mind goes.  The day of the appointment came and the clock ticked slowly. Hubs picked me up from work and we drove to the appointment, both knowing the weight this appointment had on our future as a family.

We checked in and got into our room. My OB came in and hugged us and said she had been thinking about us all day.  The ultrasound starts, all I see is black….in a moment I was brought back to when we had the blighted ovum last year, and I begin to feel like hope is lost. Then a blob. The screen was facing my OB and I had a pretty clear view of if, Hubs couldn’t see it. She was having a hard time getting the right picture she needed so she said she was going to switch the view…..and the picture that popped up will be seared into my mind forever. I have a pretty solid medical records/terminology/imaging background, so I knew right away what I saw. I saw two sacs, two blobs, it was clear as day. Yet I had to ask “what is that”…..she replies “well guys, it’s a second sac” let’s check it out...one sac, baby measuring perfect; we heard the sweetest sound, the heartbeat. On to the next sac…another baby, measuring perfectly and another perfect heartbeat. I said in my shock “what does that mean?” and she said “YOU guys, its’ TWINS”…..Hubs immediately threw a fist in the air (I think ;) ) and exclaimed “YES!” probably loud enough for patients in other rooms to hear! I laid there in shock. Immediately thoughts of “how can my body do this, when I have such a hard time carrying one?” began to flood my mind.  The mix of emotions was tangible; I was excited to hear those perfect heartbeats, scared of what this meant, anxious at the thought of TWO BABIES; so many things mixed into one moment. I was in a daze. My OB kept repeating “I can’t believe this you guys…after all you have been through, now twins” she probably said it 3 or 4 times. I’m pretty sure she had tears in her eyes. Tears began to flood mine, and immediately the verse of Isaiah 61:7 came to mind “And you will be blessed with a double blessing, and everlasting joy will be yours”. We left with instruction that our next appt would be in about a week or so, my MFM would be calling me, and huge hugs and congratulations from my OB. She’s incredible and so invested in us. The entire drive home I kept saying “I can’t believe this, two babies” TWO BABIES PEOPLE. (I think there’s a part of me that STILL can’t believe it…lol). I think I was in such a state of shock because this all happened so effortlessly (which we are eternally grateful for) no planning, no fertility doctors, no extreme measures….it just, happened.

first ultrasound of the twins, very clear that there are TWO! 

We told our families on Christmas. I framed copies of the ultrasound photos and our parents opened them….my parents are both in the medical field and immediately knew what they were looking at; they both cried J My sister (who I HAD told I was pregnant) immediately goes, TWINS?!!? We had kept that as a surprise. My in-loves (in-laws) reaction was a bit different….they looked at the picture up and down, and knew it was a ultrasound so they knew at that point we were pregnant; what they didn’t get (and I wouldn’t guess that anyone would at a glance at an ultrasound) was that there were two. I stopped their celebration at our pregnancy and said “wait wait….there’s one more thing, it’s twins” the house ERUPTED. There were tears, dancing, praising Jesus and more tears. It’s so amazing to be so loved. For these babies to be so loved already.

When we made our “social media” announcements, the outpouring of love, well wishes and prayers we received (and continue to receive) was incredible.

our "social media announcement"

And that brings us to our update…where we are currently. I’m 19 weeks, feeling great, getting big, and the babies are growing right at where they are supposed to be. I’ve had no crazy early symptoms like I had with Malachi and so far my body is cooperating and working the way it’s supposed to. I am due August 8th, our announcement says July because they will come at 36-38 weeks, sometime between July 11 and July 25! We are feeling incredibly blessed to have things going so smooth so far and praying for the easy-ness to continue until 36-38 weeks. 

Will you continue to pray with us?

The surprise of a lifetime part 1...

The creative comes out in me in times of high emotion; it’s when the words want to flow. Maybe that’s why I the two things I love to photograph the most are weddings and births. The emotions that they evoke are beyond words and there is so much depth to be able to capture. So when huge things happen I write…..

After we miscarried in June (a blighted ovum) I took it incredibly rough. The following July was one of the worst months for me, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally; all around it was incredibly difficult. We were coming up on the year anniversary (or angelversary as loss moms like to say) of Malachi’s death and we had just lost what we thought was going to be our redemption baby. I had a hard time reconciling that again we were dealing with pain and loss. I thought I had made the decision that we were done trying. I just couldn’t handle any more loss, the stress, the anxiety, it all just felt too much. The month was awful. I was withdrawn, I isolated, I dealt with depression and it was ugly. I was ugly to my son and to my husband, bitterness and resentment (towards my own body) were growing and I was just in a bad place. I think it’s ok to admit that. I think it’s ok to say, “ya this sucks and I am going through it”. Just when we thought there was a glimmer of hope it again had been ripped away from us. I ended up having to have a really frank conversation with my hubby. I asked him one question; “If It’s just you, me and Deuce for our family, is that enough for you? Are we enough for you?” I dealt with doubt and guilt that somehow my sweet, ever encouraging and there for me husband had not gotten dealt the hand that he thought he had been, we had always dreamed of a big family (4 kiddos to be exact). I felt like a complete letdown to him, a failure. When he looked me in the eyes and said “yes, if that is the decision we come to, than you guys are more than enough for me” it gave me the boost I needed to get out of the pit that I was in. I crawled out of the pit, pulled myself together and determined, even though we had not made any formal decisions regarding this, that I needed to be the best wife to hubby (which I hadn’t been) and best mother to Deuce (I definitely hadn’t been) that I could be. Time passed, the ‘old me’ returned. Happiness, contentment, JOY returned (and I’m sure my family was grateful, lol J ) God found me in the midst of the mire and his grace was sufficient through the yuck and he pulled me out.

Towards the end of October, I began to have the desire again. The seeds that had been planted so long ago for what we desired for our family, had bloomed into flowers that for so long (it felt) had been shrouded in darkness. When the darkness eased, I saw the flowers again, I saw the desires that we wanted for our family and was again reminded of the wise words hubby had spoken “I don’t believe that circumstance changes the desires God places in our hearts.” I remember having the thought that I would tell hubby in November that I was ready. My birthday was coming up and I thought that’d be a great ‘gift’ to him from me (even though it was my birthday) and I knew how excited he would be. We went out for my birthday on November 20^th. At dinner I said “so…..I wanted to let you know that I think I’m ready to try this one more time.” The smile on his face was everything I needed to see. The excitement to dream for the future again was something I think both of us needed. Hope. 8 days later I got the inkling to take a pregnancy test. In no way I thought this was THE MONTH that it would happen, I had been watching my days, and it was incredibly unlikely. I have no clue why I had the urge to take a test but I did. Just for the “heck of it”. POSITIVE. Faintly. The most faint line I believe I’ve ever seen. And it was later in the day. No way. Not yet. I JUST felt ready, I JUST told hubby a week ago that we should start trying again. HOW? (I mean I know HOW, but the dates, everything didn’t match up). The next morning I pulled out the last First Response test I had tucked away. Immediately positive and the line was clear as day. I hadn’t even missed my period yet (sorry for the TMI ;) ). Historically I’ve told hubby in a creative way that we’ve been expecting….a onesie with a positive test, a poem, etc.. This time my mind was blank I think I was in shock that it was happening so soon (I mean, this meant we were already pregnant when I told him I was just now ready to try again!!) Honestly I thought that I had some time to get ‘used to the idea’ even though I felt it was right. So I did it simple. I went to him and our conversation went like this:

ME: So…..**pause**…

HIM: **anxiously** um ya?.....

ME: remember that conversation we had at my birthday dinner?

HIM: yes…

ME: what part do you remember?

HIM: that you were ready to start trying again for another baby………

ME: Well I’m not sure we’re going to have to try very hard…. **insert silly goofy surprised face**

HIM: What?

ME: so I took a test this morning…..annnnnnnnd it’s positive.

He was so thrilled. We were so thrilled, although I was still anxious as, like I stated before, I kinda thought I had a little more time to get used to the idea. He embraced me and we immediately prayed and thanked God for this new life. We decided not to tell anyone….of course I can’t keep a secret so I had to tell my sister and my best friend.

I told my best friend that I was anxious, that I thought I had more time to get ready mentally, that HOW could this happen so soon…her response was so perfect:

“God wasn’t ready for you, He made you ready for him!!!!”

Let that sink in. God knew what He was intending to do. For a while my heart had been so hardened to the thought of trying again. He softened it and prepared it just in time for what He was ALREADY doing and what He had already did. He is so good.

To be continued……