Liquid Gold

Liquid gold. Any mother who has had a baby knows what this is. The precious breastmilk our bodies so naturally make to sustain our babies. I nursed Deuce for a year and loved it, I so looked forward to that same experience with Malachi. When he was born 14weeks early I immediately asked for a pump, much to the chagrin of the nurses. They said over and over to me that I likely would not produce... Due to him being so early, all the stress and how sick I was; it just wasn't a great combo for milk making. They. Were. Wrong. Every day of his life, every 3 hours I pumped. I pumped the liquid gold my baby needed and my body responded. Another one of Malachi's miracles. I would pump at his bedside as the nurses looked on in amazement that I continued to produce...a lot...4-5oz per session, mornings were 10oz! I pumped in cars, in rooms hidden behind mesh room dividers so a bridal party wouldn't catch me, in the middle of the night... My pump was my life source for my baby. On the days he got to have milk, I pumped. On the days he wasn't allowed to eat, I pumped. My milk was the only nutrition he ever tolerated perfectly. Over and over I was told how amazing it was that I could provide that for him. I felt it was the one thing that physically I could do for him, so I kept on. Amazingly right before he passed he was tolerating the most milk he had ever gotten and was amazing the doctors, he was one day away from being 100% on his mamas milk and off of the TPN. Due to the amount of time he wasn't able to be fed due to sickness, surgeries, etc.. I amassed quite the freezer stash of milk. For days after he passed I was angry at the milk I had, angry that it hadn't healed my baby like I wanted it too, angry that he didn't get to have it all. It felt like all my work had been so futile. Then I remembered my amazing nurses telling me one of the reasons he survived for so long was because of my milk. My milk gave me time with him, comfort to him. He loved to suck it off of q-tips and I will never forget the look on his face and eyes when he got to taste his liquid gold. His eyes would widen, his sucking would be strong and furious, and best of all he would smile. That precious beautiful smile he had even when he was so very sick. The smile that have me hope. In the midst of the storm if he could smile, so could I. The last time I pumped was the night before his memorial service. Graciously, I beleive God eased the pain of stopping pumping and I was able to stop relatively easy, with no infections or serious discomfort. That in itself was another miracle considering how long I'd pumped and how often. In tears I placed the last bag of milk into the freezer. My pumping journey was over. But the journey of Malachi's milk is not.

A few weeks after he passed I knew I wanted to donate his milk. But I had stipulations. I wanted it to be personal. I wanted whoever received it to know Malachi's story. That every time they defrosted some milk to give to their baby, that they would remember him, remember us. I wanted it to go to a baby who really needed it, preferably a preemie. I wanted his milk to mean something. I know I was being picky, but this was the situation I prayed for. Last Tuesday, this prayer was answered. It was answered in an even more beautiful way than I prayed for. Today brought the physical donation of Malachi's milk. To a mom who desperately needed it, to preemie babies, to a mom who is someone I have known for nearly my whole life. A true personal connection. As I made the drop off there were tears in both our eyes. Bittersweet tears from mine as I explained how she was an answer to prayer for me and how happy I was to bless them with it but at the same time how I was sad that Chi never got it; and tears from her telling me how I was her answer to prayer for her babies, and how she would make sure they grew up knowing about it and about Malachi's story. 

His legacy continues. Liquid gold, that helped my Malachi more than anything could have, now will help two babies who need this. 

I will never forget the time I spent pumping for my Malachi, there were days it brought me to tears, but mostly it brought me hope and peace that my body knew what he needed, and in that way, I could provide the absolute best for him. Your legacy carries on my sweet boy. I hope you smiled today as you saw the handing off of this precious liquid gold. Your story lives on and you will never be forgotten.