Giving Thanks

Tomorrow we face our first holiday without Malachi. Our first holiday with something missing from our family, someone missing. It doesn't feel complete. It feels daunting. The holidays are typically my favorite time of year, this year I have felt a cloud of sadness surrounding them, to the point where I want to pretend that they aren't here. That there's nothing to celebrate. Because how can I be thankful for this past year. I am learning, but it is a process. Some of the people I am around I feel comfortable crying when something hits me, I know they will let me lean on them. Others I feel like I have to hide the tears that burn my eyes so hotly for fear that they will think "she's still not over this?" "life has moved on", or just the awkwardness that it could bring as they would stand there not knowing what to do (just hug me and say you love me if this happens in your presence), it's a delicate balance. I am learning to be thankful for the mundane and the routine. You never know how precious those moments are until you can no longer have them with the ones you love, even changing a diaper has taken on a whole new sentiment. In looking back at this year, I also want to find things to be thankful for. To see things worth celebrating and not just see the devastation and the tragedy we faced. Am I thankful Malachi was born so early, No. But I am thankful that he was born. Am I thankful for the hardships of health he faced, No. But I am thankful for the hope and courage he gave me to face another day as he faced his struggles so fearlessly. Am I thankful that he passed away, absolutely not. But I am thankful for the 4 months we had with him. I am thankful that this journey has deepened my hope, faith and relationship with my creator. I am thankful for the promise of heaven. I am thankful for no longer fearing any aspect of death, because I know when that day comes I will have a smile on my face and say "I'm going to see my baby."

I miss him, so much it hurts. So much that the tears burn my eyes constantly. How I longed to put him in a cute Turkey outfit for his first Thanksgiving. To have our first holiday season as a family of 4. When someone is missing from your family, there's an air of things just not feeling "right". I wonder if that feeling fades over the years. I'm aware that though the coming years will be tough, this one we are in is the hardest. I am working to not let these emotions overwhelm me and to still maintain an attitude of thankfulness for what I do have. I have an incredible husband who loves me and our boys. I have a 3-yr old son who is the light of our lives. I often say he's the reason I get out of bed most days. He forces us to get going and he brings an immeasurable amount of joy into our home. Where I would be without him, I have no idea. He's really understanding the concepts of holidays this year and he is super excited about Christmas time, a boy after my own heart. So while we live in this dual word, one foot in joy, the other in sorrow, I am reminded that in ALL things, in ALL circumstances I have things to be thankful for. It's what Christ calls us to do..
1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to give thanks in ALL circumstances, not just the good and the plenty. But in the bad and in the want as well.

 I hope this season you will find thankfulness and joy in whatever circumstance you face. Whether it be the loss of a family member, stresses, etc...We can all find something to be thankful for.