Our Rainbow...

What do you do when the rainbow is gone?

A baby that is conceived after a loss is called a rainbow baby. No matter the loss…miscarriage, stillbirth, neotnatal, infant…they are our rainbows. They are the rainbows that come after the storm, the promise fulfilled.

Many might not know this, but Malachi James was our rainbow baby. He is baby Gordon #3. Baby Gordon #2 was due in September of 2013, but at a routine appointment at 15 weeks, no heartbeat could be found. I was alone at that appointment. Sobs overtook my body. My baby was gone, the loss was heavy, it was deep, it was real. I called LaRon and could barely get through the tears to tell him our longed for baby was no longer with us on earth. Nothing in me prepared me for this, my pregnancy with Deuce had been flawless, I try to be as healthy and active as possible, how could this have happened? 3 more days passed and I was admitted to have a D&C as my body had not recognized the loss and was continuing to hold on to the baby. I remember waking up from the procedure and looking at my loving husband and feeling like the ultimate failure to him. His heart longs to daddy children, it is the delight of his life. And I had not been able to carry ours. I know he never saw me as a failure, but as I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said “there’s no baby in there anymore” we wept. In the days following I felt emptiness, a longing for something to “be” that was no longer. As the weeks passed, the fog lifted, joy returned, we never took ‘precautions’, and trusted that in the Lords timing we would conceive again. And we did. And OH what joy filled our souls. After months of negative pregnancy tests along with the sadness that came with the let-down, not pregnant, praying my monthly friend would never show up, the month Malachi was conceived was entirely too unlikely. In a season that was incredibly busy for us, it left me able to remember the exact encounter that our precious Malachi was conceived in. Early fall came and seeing the little pink line, I almost didn't believe it. Our rainbow baby was on his way. This time had to be different.

This time was different. 

Drastically so.

Malachi James was our rainbow baby. He was the rainbow after the storm we faced in our previous loss. We had no clue that the storm we faced with Malachi would dwarf what we had been through previously. We had no clue the depth of loss a human heart can withstand. We had no clue of the beauty we would be able to find in him, in the situation, in Jesus.

If you’re reading this, you know the journey of Malachi and what we faced.

What we face now is that our rainbow baby is gone from our arms but forever in our hearts. The baby that was supposed to bring the brightest joy out of tragedy (and oh did he ever!) also brought the greatest pain we have faced in our loss of him. He brought us so much hope every time he would achieve something the doctors said he likely wouldn’t, peace came in a measure in his passing because we know we did every measure humanly possible to save him.  So how do I reconcile that our rainbow is gone? It’s a choice. It’s a choice every day to find the positive in our situation and to choose joy in the darkness of loss. To choose hope for our future rather than fear. I feel a little cheated sometimes…that we have had to endure so much loss when it comes to our children, but I refuse to be a victim. I know that out of everything, out of every situation, when the dust settles, when life has been lost, I know that hope remains. We are hopeful for our future and for more children, if it’s Gods will for us (we believe it is), but I think that even though he is gone, my Malachi James will always be our Rainbow baby. Our baby that brings us so much joy, even in his memory. No rainbow will every shine as bright as him.