New Year, New Hope.
This blog has been stirring in my mind for a while now. Well
over a month. But I kept thinking that a blog titled new year, new hope is just
too cliché..yet I have conceded with myself that when I feel the need to share
something and it doesn’t go away, then I need to share it. What for, it’s
likely I’ll never know. But listening to my inner (upper) voice is better than
having it nag at me ALL.THE.TIME. So here we go.
I think there’s one question that a lot of people want to
ask us, but they hesitate. It’s understandable that they hesitate, this is a
touchy subject. This is one that can either bring an onslaught of tears and
even more broken pieces of a heart or it could bring the twinkle to the eye of
a new hope. When someone asked this at the reception after Malachi’s service
(well they talked about it, didn’t necessarily state this question) I was
horrified and dismissed them. A few months ago I would’ve hated when someone
asked this question, it just would have been too hard to think about. This is
the question:
Do you think you’ll have more children? Or any variation of
that statement… although personally I hate the phrase “will you try again” as
if I failed with Malachi, as if he never was here. He was here. He LIVED. He
fought. I held him. I breathed his baby scent. I fed him. I changed his
diapers. I had 127 days with him. And he died. I much prefer, “will you have
another/more children”. I’ve actually been more careful now myself when talking
with friends I know who’ve had miscarriages and have tailored my questions to
“another/more” type statements, as opposed to “trying again”. But I digress…
Earlier in our process this wasn’t something I could handle even thinking
about, let alone talking about. My amazing husband would bring it up gently and
even that felt like too much. I didn’t know if I would ever get to the point
where even talking about this was OK. So I prayed. I prayed for God to renew
that desire in me, if that is what He wanted. I prayed for Him to soften my
heart, to prepare me for this. My husband and I had multiple conversations and
in his wisdom he spoke something to me in probably the first conversation we
had about this after Malachi passed and he said this: “I do not believe that
our circumstances changes the dreams/desires that God has put in our hearts”.
WHAT. Not what I wanted to hear. But so wise, and in time I have learned so
very true. We always have wanted a lot of kids. 4. Some call that crazy. I call
that seeing a home full of the sounds of love and laughter that I yearn for. Even
if Malachi had lived longer and come home with us, we had still planned on
having more kids. Because of consistent prayer and conversation with God and my
husband, my heart softened to this idea. Not that an additional child would be
Malachi’s replacement, but that he or she would be and addition to our family
and one who was always wanted and always going to be there. So now where are
we? The answer to the obvious question is No we are not pregnant right now (sorry
for those that thought this might be a build up to that announcement!). But we
have taken steps in that direction. We have been so open with our journey that
I wanted to be open about this next step as well. So here is where we are:
In December we had a high risk pre-conception appointment.
We met with the head of perinatology (high risk OBGYN) for Kaiser and had a great
meeting. Our doctor had gone over my complete chart from our hospital stay when
we had Malachi, my previous miscarriage at 15 weeks in early 2013 and our
pregnancy and delivery with Deuce. There were some consistent abnormalities in
all of them. In the least technical way to explain it, blood vessels to the
placentas were clotted off. The placentas were never given the right amount of
blood supply, therefore couldn’t nourish our babies correctly. With Deuce, our
doctor told us, we got lucky. As tears rolled down my face I realized how much
of a miracle he is. They believe this is why the miscarriage happened. They
know this is why Malachi was so small (I know he was only 25 weeks, but he was
small for 25 weeks, the size of a 23 weeker). This doesn’t explain the HELLP syndrome
(www.whatthehellp.com). There are no known causes of HELLP, but clotting
disorders are thought to be a risk factor. But it does allow us to do some
preventative measures the next time we get pregnant to make sure that the
placenta gets the correct amount of blood supply it needs, Lovenox (blood
thinner) injections daily as soon as I test positive, weekly visits beginning
at 16 weeks, weekly bloodwork to look for HELLP markers, weekly NSTs to monitor
baby’s growth, etc. He also stated I have closer to a 50% risk of developing
HELLP syndrome again, because of how early onset and how severe mine was with
Malachi. And then he encouraged us. Showed us photographs of families who have
been through what we’ve been through and have welcomed more children into their
family, and he said this “I would not discourage you from having more children”…before
we left he grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes and said “I will be with
you every step of the way, we can do this together if this is what you want.”
Tears streaming down my face as we left, because let me tell you that is a lot
if information to digest, a peace filled us. This doctor gave us hope. We know
the journey will be different, in ways it will be more difficult, more
complicated, more everything. But I know at the end I would be able to say it
was all worth it, like I did with Malachi’s journey. Every moment worth it.
So that is where we are. We had our appointment; we have
been given clearance and a “plan”, though we know more than anyone that not all
things happen according to your plan, we have been given hope. A new hope. For a
new year. And a new baby. So please pray for us. This journey seems daunting. I
can’t imagine not being entirely stressed out the whole time or even being able
to enjoy a pregnancy, but as I talked with one of my closest friends about this
and I said “there’s no way I can have a stress free, completely enjoyable
carefree pregnancy again” she wisely looked at me with love in her eyes and
said “but you can.” Because we are rooted in truth, because my life and the
lives of my children are in the hands of the One who holds us all, because we
know that God is good regardless of our circumstance. I’m surrounded by such
wise people.
So pray with us, for us, and for new life.
Perhaps this is real Christian living, this is whole hearted
living. Where the greatest pain and trauma you have known, become the
birthplace for the greatest miracle you could ever experience. (my version of a
statement made by Christa Black www.Christablack.com)
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