The creative comes out in me in times of high emotion; it’s
when the words want to flow. Maybe that’s why I the two things I love to
photograph the most are weddings and births. The emotions that they evoke are
beyond words and there is so much depth to be able to capture. So when huge
things happen I write…..
After we miscarried in June (a blighted ovum) I took it
incredibly rough. The following July was one of the worst months for me,
physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally; all around it was incredibly
difficult. We were coming up on the year anniversary (or angelversary as loss
moms like to say) of Malachi’s death and we had just lost what we thought was
going to be our redemption baby. I had a hard time reconciling that again we
were dealing with pain and loss. I thought I had made the decision that we were
done trying. I just couldn’t handle any more loss, the stress, the anxiety, it
all just felt too much. The month was awful. I was withdrawn, I isolated, I dealt
with depression and it was ugly. I was ugly to my son and to my husband,
bitterness and resentment (towards my own body) were growing and I was just in
a bad place. I think it’s ok to admit that. I think it’s ok to say, “ya this
sucks and I am going through it”. Just when we thought there was a glimmer of
hope it again had been ripped away from us. I ended up having to have a really
frank conversation with my hubby. I asked him one question; “If It’s just you,
me and Deuce for our family, is that enough for you? Are we enough for you?” I
dealt with doubt and guilt that somehow my sweet, ever encouraging and there
for me husband had not gotten dealt the hand that he thought he had been, we
had always dreamed of a big family (4 kiddos to be exact). I felt like a
complete letdown to him, a failure. When he looked me in the eyes and said
“yes, if that is the decision we come to, than you guys are more than enough
for me” it gave me the boost I needed to get out of the pit that I was in. I
crawled out of the pit, pulled myself together and determined, even though we
had not made any formal decisions regarding this, that I needed to be the best
wife to hubby (which I hadn’t been) and best mother to Deuce (I definitely
hadn’t been) that I could be. Time passed, the ‘old me’ returned. Happiness,
contentment, JOY returned (and I’m sure my family was grateful, lol J )
God found me in the midst of the mire and his grace was sufficient through the
yuck and he pulled me out.
Towards the end of October, I began to have the desire
again. The seeds that had been planted so long ago for what we desired for our
family, had bloomed into flowers that for so long (it felt) had been shrouded
in darkness. When the darkness eased, I saw the flowers again, I saw the
desires that we wanted for our family and was again reminded of the wise words
hubby had spoken “I don’t believe that circumstance changes the desires God
places in our hearts.” I remember having the thought that I would tell hubby in
November that I was ready. My birthday was coming up and I thought that’d be a
great ‘gift’ to him from me (even though it was my birthday) and I knew how
excited he would be. We went out for my birthday on November 20th.
At dinner I said “so…..I wanted to let you know that I think I’m ready to try
this one more time.” The smile on his face was everything I needed to see. The
excitement to dream for the future again was something I think both of us
needed. Hope. 8 days later I got the inkling to take a pregnancy test. In no
way I thought this was THE MONTH that it would happen, I had been watching my
days, and it was incredibly unlikely. I have no clue why I had the urge to take
a test but I did. Just for the “heck of it”. POSITIVE. Faintly. The most faint
line I believe I’ve ever seen. And it was later in the day. No way. Not yet. I
JUST felt ready, I JUST told hubby a week ago that we should start trying
again. HOW? (I mean I know HOW, but the dates, everything didn’t match up). The
next morning I pulled out the last First Response test I had tucked away.
Immediately positive and the line was clear as day. I hadn’t even missed my
period yet (sorry for the TMI ;) ). Historically I’ve told hubby in a creative
way that we’ve been expecting….a onesie with a positive test, a poem, etc..
This time my mind was blank I think I was in shock that it was happening so
soon (I mean, this meant we were already pregnant when I told him I was just
now ready to try again!!) Honestly I thought that I had some time to get ‘used
to the idea’ even though I felt it was right. So I did it simple. I went to him
and our conversation went like this:
ME: So…..**pause**…
HIM: **anxiously** um ya?.....
ME: remember that conversation we had at my birthday dinner?
HIM: yes…
ME: what part do you remember?
HIM: that you were ready to start trying again for another
baby………
ME: Well I’m not sure we’re going to have to try very hard….
**insert silly goofy surprised face**
HIM: What?
ME: so I took a test this morning…..annnnnnnnd it’s
positive.
He was so thrilled. We were so thrilled, although I was
still anxious as, like I stated before, I kinda thought I had a little more
time to get used to the idea. He embraced me and we immediately prayed and
thanked God for this new life. We decided not to tell anyone….of course I can’t
keep a secret so I had to tell my sister and my best friend.
I told my best friend that I was anxious, that I thought I
had more time to get ready mentally, that HOW could this happen so soon…her
response was so perfect:
“God wasn’t ready for you, He made you ready for him!!!!”
Let that sink in. God knew what He was intending to do. For
a while my heart had been so hardened to the thought of trying again. He
softened it and prepared it just in time for what He was ALREADY doing and what He had already did. He is
so good.
To be continued……
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