Why Me?

There have been multiple, multiple, and did I say MULTIPLE times along our journey with Malachi that I have gotten mad, angry and have asked [OK, yelled, screamed, cried out] 

WHY ME?

WHY US?

WHY OUR FAMILY?

WHY MUST MY BABY SUFFER?

We are good people. We attend and are involved in church, we pray, strive to live our lives righteously, give back. Why would you [God] allow this to happen to us? Many anguished nights I have fallen asleep wondering the why. I know that's a question that I will likely never know an earthly answer to, and I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with that because me not being okay with it indicates a lack of trust. For if I really trusted Jesus with the life of my child, I would trust every step He has in place. EVERY step. Even if they are steps I don't understand. And so I do. I trust Him because in a time that can cause so much chaos and confusion, He is the constant source of strength and hope I can return to. 

These past 2 weeks have been the ultimate roller coaster. Malachi had the surgery to fully reconnect his gut, and for a few days afterward appeared to be doing good. Emotional highs of his surgery going well and him appearing to progress. Then he started to get sick. Sick as in retaining a lot, and I mean A LOT of fluid. He gained around 3 pounds of FLUID. Imagine as an adult gaining half your body weight in fluid in a matter of days. Every inch of him was swollen. Then his lungs filled with fluid. He was miserably uncomfortable and was placed on an constant IV drip of pain medication and a sedative to keep him as calm as possible. His ventilation requirements had to increase. His oxygen support was at times 80% PLUS. That is incredibly high, room air is only around 21%. The doctors told us there was nothing more they could do. Many times in the last two weeks we have been told he would not make it through this. We went from the emotional high of his gut was FINALLY whole to being told he is likely going to die. My baby. One night last week, I can't remember which as my days all kind of blend together and are a blur, I was praying for my Malachi. On my knees, in my room, crying out from a desperate mother's heart for God to perform another miracle for my baby boy. "God you have brought him this far, keep doing your thing, prove them all wrong!" I demanded God to work, to move. In this prayer session I came back to the "Why Me, him, us" questions. I prayed for an answer. In that moment I felt the voice of the Lord say to me.

 "Jamie.....why not you."

 "why not give this precious, amazing, miracle child to a couple who will glorify my name for every small step in the right direction?"
"why not give this child to a couple who will never stop loving him and believing in him, and Me, even in the face of every doctors worst prognosis."

"why not reveal the deepness of my love for you through Malachi's miraculous birth and life"

"why not choose a couple who will use Malachi's story to impact so many"

"Jamie....why not you?"

Emotion flooded me. I began to thank God for entrusting to LaRon and I one of His most beautiful treasures, I began to thank Him over and over for every single miracle that has been performed in Malachi's life. I began to thank Him for every life my baby boy has touched without even saying a word. I began to thank him for this trial that is deepening our faith in a way few know. I began to thank Him for the opportunity to be a light in that NICU and being able to connect and pray and believe with other parents. 

I BEGAN TO THANK HIM FOR ALL OF THIS. 

Once my perspective changed, my whole outlook on our situation changed. The Lord has heard every prayer for my Malachi. Every body system that has been prayed over, He knows. He has listened and His work has been continuing. I began to simply pray prayers of thanksgiving to Him. Thanking the Lord for Malachi's life, for every second we get with him, for EVERY person (including YOU) who has prayed for him, for every nurse who has fought for him, loved him and comforted him. You could call it coincidence, but when the prayers shifted to me having an attitude of thanksgiving, rather than being a victim. Malachi's life shifted....the fluid began to come off, a new doctor with a new tactic came on for him this week, I was able to hold him, he has steadily improved daily this week. And while I know we are not "out of the woods" yet, I know that God is directing every step, so in every step I will say Thank You.

If you are going through a situation, asking God "why me?" listen for His answer. It may not come in the same why mine came, but if you can shift from the victim mentality to thanking Him, your life will be altered. Your situation will be altered. No matter how horrendous it seems, God can use anything for good.
Anything.

So....

Why Not Me?

Incomplete

When people ask how I am today. The first word that pops into my head is "I feel incomplete". I've never said that, but that's how I feel.
The first few months after Malachi was born I kept feeling like "I should still be pregnant" "I should be setting up his room, having a baby shower, preparing for him to come home." It was a definite mourning process to get through all of that. I grieved the loss of all the "typical" pregnancy things that I missed out on. I SERIOUSLY grieved. Then his due date came. And oh that day was hard. So hard. He was due on Father's Day this year. I tried so hard to not let the emotions of that overwhelm me and take away from celebrating the 3 amazing fathers in my life. My Husband, my daddy and my father-in-love(law). I had some moments but overall made it through the day ok.
Now that his due date has passed, I feel that the mourning and grieving for what I lost in that time has lessened. I still feel sadness over missing out on so much but it's definitely less that in was before. Now though, the feeling I am left with is being incomplete. I feel incomplete because now is the time I should be basking in the newborn glow, smelling his hair as we cuddle, being up with him all hours of the night, the pure exhaustion that follows, and figuring out our new life as a family of four. I don't have any of that, I haven't gotten to have any of that. Instead I have become all to familiar with the sounds, sights and smells of the NICU: The constant beeping of monitors, the constant specialists coming in to examine him, the multiple surgeries, being told over and over the outlook does not look good.
How I wish I were having sleepless nights due to the cries of a newborn, but my sleeplessness now is due to anxiety of how my little one is doing. I sleep light in anticipation of my phone ringing. The anxiety is sometimes overwhelming. I could physically sleep for 12 hours, but wake up feeling like I haven't slept a wink.
Life also feels incomplete because, while we are technically a family of 4, I still feel like we are a family of 3 and we are caught in this weird limbo. We haven't been able to fully welcome Malachi into our family, our home and our daily life. He is separated from us. I shy away from taking photos of my family right now because I look at them with sadness because I feel we are incomplete. It is a weird existence. Deuce has yet to meet his baby brother[because of his age he is not allowed into the NICU]. I am thankful for his age, as I feel his age and naivete has sheltered him from all of the stress this has brought on us, but it saddens me that he hasn't gotten to be a big brother yet to Malachi.
My broken heart yearns for the day I will feel complete with my Malachi home.

Brave.

"You make me Brave, you call me out beyond the shore into the waves. You make me brave, no fear can hinder now the promises you've made."

This CD was given to me around Mother's Day by a dear friend. It has since become my anthem, my song I sing when I don't feel like I can be brave anymore. My hearts cry when everything around us is "bad news". If you are looking for inspired, uplifiting, encouraging, prophetic worship. GET THIS ALBUM. NOW.

We didn't ask for this journey. We were called into it. Unlike callings people feel they have on their life that they need to take action to pursue, we were not given choice. He called us into the waves, the storm, and He has made us brave. 

The dictionary defines brave as: 

Brave; (verb) Enduring or facing danger or pain, with no fear.

The no fear part is hard. The no fear part is hard when the future is uncertain. The no fear part is hard when you are consistently told by medical professionals that it doesn't look good, that your son will not survive. The no fear part is the most difficult part of 'being brave'.

Most days I don't feel brave. Most days I feel weary. I feel scared. I feel helpless watching my baby suffer. 

So what is brave to me? 

Brave to me is waking up daily and facing your child being so sick.

Brave is walking hospital corridors and sitting by his bedside for hours just so he knows I am there.

Brave is asking for help when we need it. (that is hard!)

Brave is having to trust God completely with your child's life. 

Brave is resuming normal life activities and facing the questions head on.

Another line of a song on this CD goes:

 "be still my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name"

How amazing is that. The wind and waves still listen to Him. I know that He can heal my Malachi. I know that He is sovereign. I know that despite all we have been through, HE is good. 

And HE is the one who makes me Brave. He is the one who I cling to. He gives me the strength to face each new day. He gives me the endurance to fight for my baby. No matter what the outcome of our situation, I know my Malachi will be Ok. Because as God has made me brave, He makes Malachi brave. Brave to face more than any of us will ever face in our life. Brave to fight daily for his life. Brave to not give up, even when every odd is against him. 

Malachi is my hero. The bravery I see in him comes only from God and is my inspiration.

Sickness.

Sickness. A few weeks ago the doctors began to tell us that our Malachi was very very sick. He was showing signs of infection, started on antibiotics and multiple tests began to be run. As the days went by he began to get worse. The doctors kept saying "We need you to understand how sick your son is". All the tests came back negative, no infection. Relief for a moment, but then the question; why was he sick? We began to ask the doctors this, "you are saying he is sick, but why?" "all the tests have been negative, why is he sick?" After days of asking this and not getting any solid responses, the chief neonatologist finally sat down with LaRon and I and explained what he meant by sick. He meant that our Malachi is sick in the sense that he was born at 25 weeks, he was sick because not only was he born at 25 weeks but he was born with a blocked bowel, he was sick because not only was he born at 25 weeks with a blocked bowel but that bowel perforated when he was 5 days old. He is sick because he has been on TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) since birth. TPN, while life sustaining, is also very damaging to the liver. Now because of the nutrition he needs from the TPN, his liver is sick and failing. Because his liver is sick and failing, because of the TPN, he has developed the bad type (not the normal newborn type) of Jaundice as a result of HIGH direct bilirubin levels, he is orange=yellow [Literally] and the whites of his eye are yellowed. Because he has been on the TPN his bones have not yet mineralized which has lead to a diagnosis of osteopenia. Because of the osteopenia he has endured numerous painful fractures in his legs and arms. Because of all of this his body is working extra hard to try and heal, so he has not yet learned to breathe on his own and is still on a ventilator. My baby is sick. I realized when we were asking the doctors why he was sick, we were looking for them to tell us that he had something specific they could cure with a medicine or treatment. This is not the case for my Malachi, this was what we had to come to terms with. His "sickness" was not something that anything specific could heal. He began to reject his feedings, which are still being done through a tube, so they backed off. He's now at 4mls of breastmilk every hour. A baby his size should be at at least 10. The TPN has not been able to be lowered. We were at a place of complete desperation and reliance on God for a miracle. He had a very rough couple of weeks. He began to have apnea(stopping breathing) and bradycardia(heart rate slowing) episodes. "A's and B's" as they're referred to in the NICU. His were bad. One was really bad, I mean REALLY bad. We got "that" phone call. But he pulled through, he is a fighter. The doctors said he was likely getting tired, tired of the fight and the pain. Then a few settings on his ventilator were adjusted, his doctor decided to try a medication for his liver that they didn't think would work but thought "hey let's give it a shot", and the surgeons started a technique of feeding that is fairly uncommon to try and get him optimal nutrition. He stabilized a bit over the past few days. He has had no "A&B" episodes [PRAISE THE LORD], he has tolerated his feedings well [AND HE POOPED THANKS TO THE TECHNIQUE BEING USED WITH HIM], we also got results of his weekly labs today that some of the liver enzymes have gone down along with the lab that indicates if his bones are healing, tomorrow we will see where his direct bilirubin level is and we are praying that is down as well. He has been scheduled for his [hopefully] final gut surgery on Friday. This surgery will reconnect his intestines so his digestive system will be completely intact. We are prayerful and hopeful this will lead to good nutrition for him...which should lead to his liver healing...and his bones strengthening. I know he is in the best hands, because Jesus holds him so tight.

When we finally accepted our Malachi's 'sickness' for what is was an not something that would be fixed overnight. It began to resonate with me. I think so many people are looking for the quick fix and the quick solution in life to make things better. Instead of going on the long road and fixing all the underlying issues, a lot of people want a one-stop solution. Malachi's journey has taught me to look for the causes of the way I am feeling and to deal with those. Only when we can look deeper into ourselves and begin to heal the cause/roots of our 'sickness' can we be on the road to complete and total healing.

Heartbreak and Thanksgiving..

How are you? - probably the most used question in each of our lives. Its a question that can either be a superficial gesture of greeting or it can be a genuine deeper question of someone deeply wanting know how you are doing. The answers can range the same from superficial to completely loaded.

When you are going through a trial this question ALWAYS feels loaded. You wonder how to answer, you wonder if you need to censor yourself, you wonder if someone is being genuine or being nosy.
Nowadays I answer this mostly with "I'm ok", it's a rare day I answer with an "I'm good". Things are always day to day....

Today, I am sad. Today is June 1st, today marks the beginning of the month Malachi was expected to arrive. Today marks 2 weeks until his due date [June 15]. This past weekend has been full of events, though joyous, that have reminded me that I was supposed to be enormously pregnant right now. I am really feeling the mourning of the loss of the latter half of my pregnancy with Malachi. I am feeling the weight and enormity of our situation. I am feeling heartbreak. So if I were to be completely honest when someone asked how I was, my answer today would be "I am heartbroken."

I am heartbroken because I want to be putting finishing touches on a nursery, not hoping to one day be putting one together.
I am heartbroken because I want to be folding the tiniest of laundry to fill dresser drawers, not washing blankets to take to the NICU so my tiny prince has a piece of home with him.
I am heartbroken because I want to be having contingency plans in place for who will watch Deuce when I go into labor, not planning out the whens and how longs of daily hospital visits.
I am heartbroken that instead of having the VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) I wanted so badly, that I had to have an emergency c-section to save mine and my Malachi's life.
I am heartbroken that Deuce won't have the coming to the hospital after the birth to meet his baby brother experience, and that I have had hospital staff tell me he can "meet" Malachi through a window.
I am heartbroken that Friday (May 30) should've been my last day of work, instead I am faced with returning to work while my baby is still in the hospital.
My heart is broken. Broken for everything we lost when Malachi came so early. Broken for the plans we had being crushed. Broken for the future we planned for our family now being so uncertain. Broken for our world completely turned upside down.

In my brokenness though, I am thankful.
I am thankful I am alive!
I am thankful for modern medicine that has kept my Malachi alive!
I am thankful for even the tiniest of miracles in his life!
I am thankful for a husband, who's unwavering faith and strength have kept me going!
I am thankful for the ARMY of people who have surrounded us with support!
I am thankful for my "mat carriers" that have been available to me 24/7!
I am thankful for a God who takes every piece of a broken heart and stitches it back together. It will never be as it was before.
I am thankful for a God who has caught every tear I have cried and who will catch every tear I will cry.

In the midst of my pain and heartbreak, I can still find something to be thankful for.
And a thankful heart is what God asks us to come to him with. So I will start each day thanking him for every blessing in this life and I will continue to thank Him, no matter what heartbreak comes my way!

Malachi's Birthday.

Malachi "Chi"(kye) James Gordon was born on March 7, 2014. 14 weeks and 2 days prior to when he was expected. "Expected arrival date" only to us, but not to God. God knew he would come early. God knew the struggles he and we, as his parents, would face. God also knew someone in the world needed to see what a miracle really looks like. God knew somewhere, someone would be encouraged by the growth of our faith and by Malachi's strength and perseverance through this journey. And God has never left our side since this journey began.

Romans 5:3-5 But we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

A lot of people know Malachi came early, and have followed along his journey, this story is about why he came so early. I want to share this because this story explicitly shows the steps God ordered in my life to save both Malachi's life and my own.

At our 20 week ultrasound we were excited to see our baby boy. We had known he was a boy for a few weeks and loved every glimpse we had of him. My sister even came with us and watched in amazement as our little man wiggled around and sucked his thumb. A few days after my appointment I received an email from my doctor stating that the ultrasound looked good but the radiologist had though there was a tiny bit of fluid around Malachi's heart. She had me schedule a follow up ultrasound for 4wks later. At my appointment after the 20wk ultrasound my doctor assured me everything looked fine, but to still go to the follow up "just to be sure". A conservative follow up she had said. She also stated Malachi looked a little small but she wasn't very concerned because my full term baby (Deuce) was ony 5lbs 6oz at birth. I went home confident things were great. The week prior to the follow up ultrasound (scheduled for March 3rd) I wasn't feeling well. I couldn't describe how I felt but something was 'off'. Tuesday of that week I began to have pain in my right upper abdomen, under my ribcage. It hurt to breathe, to walk, to lie down, to do anything. I took some tylenol and it alleviated it to a point that I could function and it was more of a nuisance. Wed it was worse and by Thursday I was in a staff meeting at my workplace with my head on the table because I felt so lousy. I even attempted to go to my girls' soccer practice that afternoon and my other coach took one look at me and told me to go home. I went home and made an appointment to be seen on Friday. Thursday night I went to bed and woke up Friday morning and the pain was GONE. Horray! I even cancelled my appointment because I felt so great. Besides, I figured I had an ultrasound appointment the following Tuesday so I'd already be going there in case I started to feel lousy again. The weekend was great. I was feeling good. Tuesday came around and it was time for the follow up ultrasound, LaRon had taken the day off to come with me. The ultrasound started and the tech asked why we were there, I said to follow up on his heart. She said his heart looked great and normal, no fluid. **EXHALE** we were good and going to head home, we thought. She began to do some other measurements and make some comments about his size. Then she began to ask some 'weird' questions to us such as "have you guys been seen in L&D yet?", "have they checked you yet?"..our answers were "no". She then said she needed to have the radiologist look at things before we left and left the room. LaRon and I looked at each other with a bit of confusion..and we waited..what seemed like hours..finally the tech came back and told us we needed to go to L&D to be checked. So we headed that way. I vividly remember walking down the hall thinking "I am going to be so late for work, what the heck". I told LaRon I was worried. He said everything was going to be ok. We got to L&D and the flurry around us began. I was immediately admitted (even though I still didn't know what was happening) and placed on monitors. Fear began to rise (along with my blood pressure) and I began to have a bit of a freak out, i had no clue what was going on and kept hearing about me being admitted, high risk, etc... A wonderful nurse we know personally happened to be working that day and came into our room and immediately called the doctors to come and talk to us. The doctor finally came and did her own ultrasound in the room and let us "IN" on what was happening. There was a blood flow issue in our son's umbilical cord. That is likely why he is so small and I would be admitted for continual monitoring of this for at least 48hrs. 48hrs, "Ok" I thought "I can do 48hrs in the hospital". I was admitted to a hospital room and hooked up to multiple monitors, I was given steroid shots for Malachi's lungs, IV's were put in, and eventually that day was told I wouldn't just be there for 48hrs, I would be there until I delivered my son. What a life changing few hours. That night LaRon stayed with my and Deuce went to my in-laws house. IT was a lot to process. How could I be in the hospital for 14 weeks with my two year old and husband at home. I was scared. The following day I was placed on a 12 hour Magnesium drip for neural protectant for Malachi. GAH that stuff is awful. AWFUL. There was a parade of people in and out of our room the high risk doctors came to look at me and did another ultrasound confirming the cord issue, a neonatologist came to speak to LaRon and I about what we should expect if we were to deliver this early, genetics came and took blood for testing. And MY OB came just to check on me and see if I was OK, I have a great relationship with her and she was so reassuring, and so glad she had made the 'conservative' follow up for us. We found out this cord issue is an issue that a lot of times goes unnoticed and typically ends in stillbirth. It wasn't to bad for Malachi yet, but they wanted me there for continual monitoring so that when it got to the point of being really bad, they could deliver him. Deuce came to see me that evening after school. He knew something was wrong. In his sweet 2yr old voice he said "My MOMMY!" When he first saw me then climbed into my hospital bed and cuddled with me. The best cuddles ever. I knew we'd have to get used to this 'new normal' for us. When Deuce left it was heartbreaking, he didn't want to let me go and kept saying "mommy we go" "mommy we go" and was pulling me towards the door. It shattered my heart that he had be separated from me. I cried into LaRon's shoulder and he stayed the night again. Thursday was a quieter day, monitoring, doctors checks, nothing had really changed. We decided it would be best for LaRon to be home with Deuce so that he could feel some security in this chaos. That evening LaRon left for home and a couple of my girlfriends came to hang out with me for a while. The superintendent of the school LaRon teaches at and I coach at came to pray and talk with me. Everything was good, calm. I was learning how to sleep through the hospital noises and every 4hr lab blood draws. I was finally coming to terms with being there for so long and resolved I would do anything for my baby so this was just how it was going to be. Thursday night I went to sleep. I woke around 2am with pain under my right rib-cage, exactly like what I had the week before, but this time it was worse. I rang for my nurse. I tried to describe to her that it felt like my ribs were being squeezed from the inside, it hurt to breathe, move, everything. She gave me some pain medicine after it wasn't getting better for a while and immediately it took the pain away, more labs were taken, and I went back to sleep. I was woken at 4am by a high risk doctor and my nurse informing me they were going to do an MRI to see if my gallbladder was acting up, they also took more blood for labs. Gallbladder problems can be common in pregnancy so I thought "no big deal". After the nurse got done reading down all the questions and stuff they tell you before an MRI, the high risk doctor rushed in and informed me that no I would not be having the MRI but that they needed to deliver my baby right away. I was alone. Scared. And was just told my precious baby would have to be delivered at 25wks and 5days gestation. My labwork had indicated that in 4 hours (midnight to 4am labs) I had gone from 'normal' to full blown HELLP Syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HELLP_syndrome). To save my life and my baby's life I had to be delivered. I was immediately placed back on Magnesium, this time for to to prevent seizures, and was told the pain in my ribs was my liver enlarging and on the verge of rupture. I immediately called LaRon to have him come as quick as possible. I told the doctors I couldn't do this alone and could we please wait for my husband. They said they would wait as long as they could. My nurse Stacy stayed by my side the whole time and held my hand. LaRon got to the hospital and immediately after he arrived they wheeled me back to the OR. Stacy my nurse held my hands and comforted me as the spinal was placed, I was laid on the table, prepped for the C section and LaRon was brought in. My only vivid memories of those moments were looking into LaRon's eyes with tears and him reassuring me, I remember hearing "time of birth 6:31am", I remember NOT hearing my baby cry, I remember hearing the NICU staff working on him. I remember hearing them say he was stable, intubated and ready to go downstairs. LaRon went with them. He was told he should go because it was likely Malachi would not survive. The doctors had to work for a while to stitch me up, because of the HELLP and my drastically low platelets I had bled a lot. I remember feeling like I wanted to pass out, I think I did. Then I was in recovery. Hearing other moms with their crying babies. I was a wreck. She assured me it was ok. LaRon came back up. He said Malachi was ok, but so so small. Our precious boy weighed only 1 pound 2(really 1.8) ounces. He sat with me. I was in and out of sleep. The rest of the day is a blur. Between the magnesium, the pain meds, and the trauma of what we'd just been through I don't have many other memories of that day or the following few days. I didn't get to see my son until Saturday evening. I was finally off the magnesium and able to go down to the NICU. I had a fear of seeing him, "how would I react to a tiny 1lb baby" "Would he look like my baby" "how would I feel", LaRon assured me I would 'know' him and he would be just as precious to me as was our full term baby. We got to the NICU and I saw him for the first time. Emotions flooded me. My baby was here. Early. hooked up to tubes. future unknown. But for now he was here and alive. I got to hold his hand. His skin was transparent. You could see his heart beating through his chest. I talked gently to him. Told him how much I loved him and would always do anything for him. I told him how sorry I was that I'd gotten sick but that I'd be here every step of his way until he came home. I don't remember going back upstairs. I don't remember much of that weekend. I remember seeing him. I remember literally feeling my heart shatter. I remember picking up the pieces and giving them to Jesus and telling him to put them back together. I remember a lot of prayer. I was discharged a few days later. The hardest thing I've every had to do was leave my newborn at the hospital. It's against all motherly instinct and against everything that is "supposed" to be. But once Deuce saw me home I knew I was where I was supposed to be. Home to heal, home to rest, home to be there for my Husband and my two yr old. Home to recuperate strength so I could be the mother Malachi would need in the coming weeks.

The bible states verse after verse that our steps are ordered by Him:
Proverbs 20:24 A Person's steps are ordered by the Lord. (NIV)
Proverbs 16:9 In their hearts human's plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. (NIV)
Psalms 37:23 The Lord directs the steps of the Godly (NLT)

I have never seen such a distinct picture of steps being directed by God as in Malachi's birth story. A conservative follow up ultrasound was ordered (for a "problem" that never existed), which led to his cord issue being found to be monitored, which led to me being in the hospital when the HELLP syndrome developed and became life threatening, which led to delivery to save both Malachi's and my life. I can't imagine the outcome had I not been in the hospital when the HELLP syndrome arose. I would have probably shaken off the pain, taken tylenol, and figured it would go away like it had the week before. The doctors told LaRon over and over how 'lucky' we were to be there already because it's highly likely I would not have made it had we been home. We know we are not 'lucky'. We know our steps were ordered by the King of Kings who guides us every day. Our steps were ordered so that my life and my son's life would be saved. How AMAZING is the love of Jesus. To do all that for me. It leaves me speechless. He loved me that much, to make a way for me to still be here. To still be with my husband (my angel on loan), to still be mommy to my treasures I have in my two sons. He loved me that much to spare my life. When I talk about the real, tangible, love of my Jesus, it's something I can't even really put into words. HE LOVES ME, like for real.

And you know what?, He loves you too. He died for you too. He too will order your steps. No matter what you are facing, you can trust Jesus with your past, your today, and your tomorrow.

Our journey with Malachi is far from over. We have had many ups and downs along the way. But we've (and YOU) have been witness to miracle after miracle. Our boy is alive, he is a living, breathing miracle and demonstration of God's love. God has mighty plans for this little one. Even the doctors say "we don't know why he's still here but he is" And my response is "Do you know my Jesus? because HE is why Malachi is still here".

If you'd like to follow his journey a Facebook page was set up for him www.facebook.com/Love4Chi

The Rally Fro.

Oh hair how I love thee. I like to say I'm bipolar with my hair. One day I want something, another day I want something different. My style doesn't stay the same for a very long time. Over the last 5 years my hair has been various colors and lengths...the below picture is a glimpse of what it's been...

When I got pregnant with Deuce, I got a "hair" education from my wonderful sisters-in-law. Who knew that taking care of different textured hair took so much work! I learned all about the possible type of hair my boy could have. When he was born it was jet black and silky and soft. Then it fell out on the top and he looked a little old man. At this stage his hair didn't take much work... 

photo courtesy of Photography By Toni Landon

As his hair has grown it's gotten coarser, thought it's still soft, and very very curly. Hubby and I debate about cutting it on a near daily basis, he wants to cut it, I want it to grow. After all, his hair will only be in "my control" for so long, as he grows up he will likely want to cut his beautiful curls off...as it grows though, it does take work. Our hair process is as follows:

Bath time

Wet hair

Shampoo hair

Condition and leave the conditioner in for the remainder of the bath

Rinse

Spray in leave in conditioner/detangler

Dry him off, lotion, jammies etc..

Spray in more leave in conditioner

Put him on my lap with my cell phone and comb his hair out section by section..

Once hair is detangled and combed through, put in hair moisturizing cream

Hair Before Bath

Hair After bath and "the process"

The combing out can easily take around 45 minutes...the back of his hair where it rubs the car-seat and bed while he sleeps can get very tangled and matted. 

I probably do this 2-3 times per week...but his hair gets super dry in between and stays "nice" for maybe a day. Any tips out there on keeping it hydrated, moisturized, tangle free between 'the process'?? I'd do it every day but the time it takes just doesn't make that possible, esp since he has a pretty early bedtime (730/745)..

I love his curly hair. I think I've taken the ease of care for my hair for granted and I have such an appreciation now for people who have very textured/curly hair! 

Hubby and my conversations about his hair are hilarious:

Hubs: let's cut it

Me: no but it's so cute

Hubs: he looks like he has caterpillars coming out of his head

Me: but he loves caterpillars! it's so cute

Hubs: but but look at it though..

Me: it's so cute though!

These are daily conversations that most of the time leave us rolling in laughter. 

I keep telling hubs that I'm growing his hair out until his Aunty Shon comes home from her World Race Missions Trip (AUGUST!) I call it...his Aunty Shon Rally Fro.....

Shall we keep it growing or cut it!?