Fall and winter have always been my favorite seasons. The
brisk coolness of the morning, crunching leaves under boots, rain showers and
storms that keep you inside snuggled warmly with the ones you love. It’s easy
to see why fall is a favorite season. I knew the changing in seasons would be
different this year. I feel like we were in a continual summer with Malachi.
Hours spent in the warmth of the NICU with the sun shining through his window.
As fall approached, I knew it would be hard for me. I knew it would be another
sign of time moving forward without my precious one here. But summer lingered,
warmth lingered, and the heat both in the air and in the searing pain in my
heart, lingers. Well into October, I woke up to the sound of raindrops
strumming away, the slight breeze in the air making my Malachi wind chime sing,
and I knew the season was here. Fall. This morning it was official that fall
has arrived. With the changing of the season, it is another reminder that time
continues on, a reminder that while I linger in grief and sadness, the world
and time continue to move forward. I lay in bed for a few extra minutes this
morning. Listening to the rain, praying, and not wanting to leave the heat of
my comforter and step into the cold air that surrounded me, the cold,
refreshing air that filled my bedroom. I grudgingly came out from underneath
the warm covers as my morning mom duties needed to be fulfilled. Get dressed
for the day, pack Deuces lunch, wake up my sleeping prince with our morning
song, snuggle a little extra with him, and off on the day we went. This change
in the air not once escaping my thoughts as my sandals worn turned to boots
being pulled on, every second and moment a reminder of what today was. As we
drove to school Deuce and I prayed together, he talked about his baby brother,
then sang songs, then talked about the fire truck that would be at school
today. He is so excited to see this fire truck! As he sang and I prayed for the
strength to make it through today, feeling it would be a day of sadness, after
all along with the weather, today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness
Day. I felt God speak to my spirit, Ifelt his presence fill my car in a physical way. And he spoke to me, about the weather, about this change in season. About how, like everything, I have a choice. A choice to see it the way I have been, as melancholy and adding an extra layer of sadness, or a choice to see it with new eyes, the way He wanted me to see it. I don’t know how to describe what He told me other than to tell you what He said.
This is what he told me;
“My sweet daughter Jamie, I know
your heart is broken, I know you feel dry, I know you feel weary and I know
your land feels empty. You have remained faithful to me through it all. As I
bring the change of the seasons in the weather, I want to bring a change of
season to your heart, to your life. As the heat has left the land barren and
dry, so has your pain left your life feeling the same. But see, a change comes.
The coolness in the air will bring a refreshing to your soul. The rain I pour
out on this dry land of draught, let it be the rain and healing balm I pour
into the broken pieces of your heart. Let me fill the cracks with my living
water. Let me plant something new in you, let this time of storms be a time
that something new, that you cannot see yet, take root and begin to take life.
Let me water it. Let this winter be a time of deep healing for you as you walk
through your darkest days. Let me spirit comfort your heart like it is wrapped
in an old quilt sitting by a fire. And when spring comes, something new,
something beautiful will bloom in places that once looked so barren and dry.”
WOW. My mind eased. Yes Lord, I will accept this. I will
accept the seasons you have chosen for me with a renewed sense of faith that
you will bring beauty from these ashes. That you DO work ALL things together
for the good of those that love you. The key in what He told me was to let him.
LET HIM. That means it remains my choice. My choice to stay in a land of heat
and pain, or my choice to let Him do a new work. My choice is to let Him do a
work, so beautiful that my mind wouldn’t be able to comprehend if He showed me
right now. So deep, that it will permeate all the broken places and bring a
healing like I have never known. I know it won’t be easy, I know like the
winter that approaches that there will be days of storms and days of sunshine.
But I will continue to move forward believing that as He pours the rain, that
the same rain pours into my heart. And as he pours the sunshine, that I can
enjoy those days and find happiness.
It is your choice too. To let the Father of healing into the
most broken places you know. To let his living water flow through the cracks
and mend your heart. To let healing come. To let Him, who is the only ones who
knows how, restore you to completeness. Make that choice with me today!
